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The Juwanna Mann Standard

The Juwanna Mann Standard
Nearly Coherent

 
 
00:00 / 00:25:27
 
1X
 

eD! and Jeff discuss Jeff’s luxurious beard, talk about the movie eD!’s cousin wrote, Standing Up, Falling Down, and become very excited about a new smartphone case eD! can’t stop thinking about.

The Juwanna Mann Standard
Nearly Coherent

 
 
00:00 / 00:25:27
 
1X
 

eD! and Jeff discuss Jeff’s luxurious beard, talk about the movie eD!’s cousin wrote, Standing Up, Falling Down, and become very excited about a new smartphone case eD! can’t stop thinking about.

You can get Standing Up, Falling Down on iTunes, Amazon, Vudu, and on whatever your local on-demand video streaming service of choice is, I’m not looking up the links for all of them, who’s got that kind of time?

You can also see the Happy Fun Time Phone Case here! You’ll never forget it!

Episode Transcript

eD! Thomas
Welcome to the Nearly Coherent Podcast. I’m eD! and, sitting over there, his beard so bushy and black it looks like it’s a black hole that just absorbs you and just surrounds you with love, is my buddy, Jeff.

Jeff, how the hell are you?

Jeff Ritter
I’m good, I’m good. I’m glad you mentioned my beard. My beard is freshly washed and conditioned and oiled back up.

eD! Thomas
It looks extra luxurious! What’s going on? Any special occasion? Were things going crazy?

Jeff Ritter
Oh, yes, yes, very special, very special occasion.

eD! Thomas
What happened?

Jeff Ritter
My daughter decided to vomit profusely while I was holding her.

eD! Thomas
Mmm.

Jeff Ritter
The funny thing about this beard, as it has gotten longer, it catches a lot of my food that misses my mouth. It also catches a lot of the vomit that spews forth from my two-year-old daughter’s mouth.

eD! Thomas
Okay, yeah.

Jeff Ritter
So yes, it is rich and luxurious and now vomit-free, and no longer smells like sour milk.

eD! Thomas
Good! That’s the dream, really. If you can have a beard that doesn’t smell like baby puke? Amazing. That’s what the chef’s kiss emoji was made for.

Jeff Ritter
That is exactly what it is.

So let me give this to you real quick. I’ll set you up with this story. We’re eating dinner. The baby was a little cranky, this and that. So, finally, I’m done, we do all our cleaning up… everybody has like a role except for the baby. She just sits there.

eD! Thomas
Lazy sack of shit.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, so I was done with my stuff first. So I pick up the baby. And as soon as I pick her up, she like really kind of like snuggles up on me, which doesn’t always do like she usually wants to get down and play. So I sit down on the couch, I’m on the couch for about five seconds. And she looks at me and does this burp. And I’m like, “That’s not a regular burp, this is fucked,” and a half a second later, just starts vomiting, and I don’t know what to do. So now I’m sitting on the couch, I can’t get up. I can’t move.

eD! Thomas
No.

Jeff Ritter
So now, like I hold her a little bit closer to me. I tuck my arms in and just kind of like create a bowl out of her body and my belly, just to catch all the vomit.

eD! Thomas
The old vomit bowl!

Jeff Ritter
So now it’s I mean, literally, like probably the bottom three inches of my beard are just covered in puke. I call out to my wife, I didn’t know what to do… By the way, I’m going to be terrible in any sort of life or death situation, because all I did as the man of the house was go, “Help!” That’s all I did. Didn’t know what the fuck to do.

eD! Thomas
That means you’re just a liberated man who doesn’t believe in traditional gender roles. That’s fine.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, well, whatever it was, it was terrible. I was a real damsel on this one. So my wife comes over, she’s like, all right, she takes the baby who just finished puking. She takes the baby goes to the bed. I now like fold my shirt up again, like the bowl trying to contain the vomit, and I don’t know what to do with the shirt. And all I see and feel is my beard covered in it, and I can smell it. And so now I, of course, start to heave and I’m like, “oh, no,” I’m going to stop I didn’t puke I held together…

eD! Thomas
Attaboy!

Jeff Ritter
…this was not my proudest moment as a dad, but it did keep the couch clean.

eD! Thomas
You know what? A wins a win. So you run with that.

Jeff Ritter
This is one of the benefits to being three feet wide is that there’s a lot of Canvas.

eD! Thomas
There is!

Jeff Ritter
A lot of my shirts are the size of drop cloths, so it was easy to catch everything, so that’s why my beard looks like this because I was covered in puke.

eD! Thomas
You know what? A baby puke conditioner, it sounds disgusting…

Jeff Ritter
Doesn’t “sound.” It is, in fact, disgusting.

eD! Thomas
It works, though! It did wonders for you.

Jeff Ritter
It helped hide the gray a little.

eD! Thomas
That’s helpful, nothing does that for me. It’s horrible. Can your baby puke on my face to get rid of my grays?

Jeff Ritter
I’m sure she could, which would also be a win-win for me as well because I’d love to see that. Make sure your mouth is closed, though.

eD! Thomas
That’s true. And that doesn’t very frequently happen because I’m constantly talking.

Jeff Ritter
I’ll tell you when it’s… well, I’ll tell you about when it’s coming.

eD! Thomas
Helpful!

Jeff Ritter
And then I use my Viking beard wash. I don’t remember what brand, I love the brand names of all the beard washes and stuff. It’s always, like, you know, “Thor’s Hammer Beard Wash,” or what’s the thing from “Anchorman”? “Oden’s Raven.”

eD! Thomas
The old “Loki Scrote Mustache Wax”?

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, yes, exactly.

eD! Thomas
So I’m glad you got that handled.

Jeff Ritter
I did.

eD! Thomas
What else is going on?

Jeff Ritter
Okay, so I made time to watch a movie. And I will tell you this: normally we talk about more popcorn and soda blockbuster movie type of fair. This is not that, sir.

eD! Thomas
I do want to point out we do occasionally talk about much more intellectual things, like “The Fast and The Furious,” but sure, okay. If you didn’t see a blockbuster, which is what I was pretty sure you were only capable of seeing at this point, what did you see?

Jeff Ritter
A movie that I am certain that you’re familiar with, and I will when I tell you which movie it is, I’ll allow you to explain why you’re familiar with it. But I short great is dramady a word?

eD! Thomas
It is!

Jeff Ritter
But I saw a great movie called “Standing Up, Falling Down.”

eD! Thomas
I am familiar with that!

Jeff Ritter
You are familiar with it.

eD! Thomas
Yes. So to give a little bit of background, the writer of “Standing Up, Falling Down” is a gentleman by the name of Peter Hoare, who also happens to be my cousin. And you know what, I’m just gonna come out and say it: my favorite cousin, all the other cousins know. All the other cousins know where they stand.

Jeff Ritter
Can I just real quick?

eD! Thomas
Please don’t ask me to list them all in order.

Jeff Ritter
No, no, could you get… Did you hear about Justin Bieber doing that to his wife’s friends? That’s not important. This is more important.

Your cousin, interesting name, Peter Hoare. Spelled with…

eD! Thomas
H-O-A-R-E.

Jeff Ritter
Ah.

eD! Thomas
But, to be fair, much like his cousin that is talking right now, he’s also a W-H-O-R-E.

Jeff Ritter
Okay. All right. There you go. There you go. I was kind of hoping that it might, you know, be spelled the other way. But that’s okay. As long as it’s on the inside, that’s where it counts.

eD! Thomas
I think when he started up a production company, it was called “Hoare House Productions.”

Jeff Ritter
Love it.

eD! Thomas
And I was so mad when that didn’t come up at the beginning of the movie.

Jeff Ritter
Oh my god, that would have been so good.

eD! Thomas
It’s legitimately the best…

Jeff Ritter
Genius…

eD! Thomas
…name in the world. I love it.

Jeff Ritter
I forgive him because I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. Now he’s not my cousin. I actually have a few connections to him even though, you know, he and I are… we’re acquaintances. Yeah, we’ve met up a handful of times, if I walked past him, I would know who he is. But I don’t feel swayed to give him a positive view. I could just as well say nothing,

eD! Thomas
Right, which I should also point out, he is my cousin, and he is my favorite cousin. But he has worked on a variety of things. And if I didn’t like those things, I have not brought them up.

Jeff Ritter
Well, there you go.

eD! Thomas
Let’s take, for instance, “Kevin Can Wait.” That show sucks so hard. And it wasn’t his work. It was everything about… Kevin should have waited a little longer.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, Kevin. Kevin should have waited in the garage and not made a fucking TV show ’cause he sucks.

eD! Thomas
Yeah, he’s the worst. But I never brought that up before, I believe, and so you know that if I’m not here just to blindly whore out for him, as it were.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah. Well, here’s the thing. I don’t think he needs our vast reach either.

eD! Thomas
I’ll tell you this much. I believe he, like me, would simply love having more people talking about things. I don’t care how it goes, I don’t care what sort of information is… I want people they’re having me living rent-free in their brain. So if we can help with that at all, I have now taken care of Christmas next year.

Jeff Ritter
Well, there you go. There you go. And, do me a favor, when you give him the card that tells him what we did? Just sign from eD! and Jeff.

eD! Thomas
Of course! Come on.

Jeff Ritter
You can write my name little, obviously second, write it at the bottom, PS.

eD! Thomas
It would be a second level, but it would be equal size.

Jeff Ritter
Okay.

eD! Thomas
Don’t worry.

Jeff Ritter
Either way, that works for me. I wanted to bring this up… Matter of fact, you and I talked about the movie briefly, and I don’t think we were we were recording, I think this was just a conversation. Like maybe last year?

eD! Thomas
It premiered at Tribeca last year, and I went to go see it. It actually premiered the same weekend as “Avengers: Endgame.” So it was…

Jeff Ritter
Yes. Which is why I forgot about it the first time, sorry, Pete.

eD! Thomas
Two movies, back to back that involve Howard the Duck. So that was already a great weekend for me.

Jeff Ritter
Yes. Serious. Good. Great weekend for Howard, too.

eD! Thomas
Yeah, you know, he’s getting the love he deserves. And the only reason I didn’t bring it up before, and I saw it, I loved it, but it wasn’t widely available. So I didn’t want to be, like, “Hey, check out this movie that you probably can’t see.” Now, as of last Friday, it is available in wide release on all the video on demand and wherever you can buy your digital movie goods. It’s all over the place. So now is the time to talk about it.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, and I would love to if you don’t mind. I’ve watched it… I bought it on iTunes. I bought it on the 21st on Friday. I’ve actually watched it twice.

eD! Thomas
Wow!

Jeff Ritter
I very rarely watch a movie multiple times. That’s not one of our aforementioned Marvel movies or a select few Apatow, Will Ferrell, or “Coming to America” or “Juwanna Mann.”

eD! Thomas
Of course. You didn’t have to say it. The “Juwanna Mann” Standard is a well-known fact, and if we had a Wikipedia page, it would be on it.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, much like TV shows, I just cycle through the same shit over and over again. This is a movie that I’ve already seen twice, and I would definitely watch again. I really did. I thoroughly enjoyed it. So he did have a bit of a head start though… he had a bit of a head start because two of my favorite actors are in this.

eD! Thomas
Yes.

Jeff Ritter
They are the two biggest names in the movie, although there are some other recognizable folks.

eD! Thomas
Yeah.

Jeff Ritter
But they’re definitely the two main characters and the two biggest names in the film. But the first one is Ben Schwartz.

eD! Thomas
Yup.

Jeff Ritter
For those who don’t know: Shame on you, if you don’t already know him.

eD! Thomas
Stop listening.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, he’s the genius behind Jean-Ralphio Saperstein from “Parks and Recreation.”

eD! Thomas
Yep. Also on “House of Lies” with Don Cheadle and Kristen Bell, which was a phenomenal show, the entire I had Showtime for a very long time.

Jeff Ritter
Oh yeah, that’s right, you know I forgot that he was on that. He’s actually the voice of “Sonic the Hedgehog,” too.

eD! Thomas
And I think Donatello, and, I know it’s one of the three cousins, I’m going to say, Dewey, I could be wrong, on “DuckTales.”

Jeff Ritter
Right, on the new “DuckTales,” obviously because he was a child when the first one came out.

eD! Thomas
Correct.

Jeff Ritter
So it’s got him, and it’s also got… now I’m gonna say this: this is a guy that I feel should be ranked, not necessarily as far as roles or talent, but as far as being loved and adored? He should be up in the tier below Tom Hanks. I don’t know if he is.

eD! Thomas
I wouldn’t necessarily put him in the tier below Tom Hanks, but like two tiers below Tom Hanks, I could definitely buy.

Jeff Ritter
See, I don’t know if… alright, so anyway, his name, by the way, Billy Crystal. Who, I don’t know if we need to go through… I mean, he’s the voice of Mike Wazowski. And he’s hilarious. He’s been around for 100 fucking years. He’s awesome. Oh, and a Long Island guy. Right? I think Long Beach he grew up in or somewhere…

eD! Thomas
Long Beach or Massapequa. I forget which.

Jeff Ritter
It’s something like that…

eD! Thomas
I get confused. I’m pretty sure it was Long Beach ’cause I think there was like a dozen articles about “Native Son Coming Home to Record, to Tape a Movie, Whatever a Movie.”

Jeff Ritter
Okay, yeah, it’s definitely it’s not Massapequa because the Baldwins are Massapequa…

eD! Thomas
Shoot! “To Shoot a Movie.” That’s what I was trying to think of.

Jeff Ritter
What did you say?

eD! Thomas
I don’t know. I had a whole bunch of other verbs that fit but don’t quite fit.

Jeff Ritter
Oh, okay. Listen, buddy. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I didn’t even notice that you stumbled.

eD! Thomas
I love you for it.

Jeff Ritter
Come on, man. You’re beautiful.

eD! Thomas
You’re beautiful.

Jeff Ritter
Oh, man, I get it off the rails right now. I don’t even remember what the name of this movie we were talking about is.

eD! Thomas
“Juwanna Mann”.

Jeff Ritter
That’s right, “Juwanna Mann.” You know what? You probably, if you push that a little bit, you probably could sidetrack me enough to just start talking about “Juwanna Mann.”

eD! Thomas
I gotta be honest with you. I push you right back ’cause I’ve never seen “Juwanna Mann,” and I’ve seen this movie a bunch of times.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah. Okay, so he had a leg up. He’s from the same area that we’re from. I know people that know him. So it all like came together where I was, like, heading into this optimistically. And I thankfully was not disappointed.

eD! Thomas
Yeah.

Jeff Ritter
You know what? This is weird. Now, this isn’t weird, this shouldn’t be weird, because of all the things that I just mentioned. I almost feel like the movie was written for me.

eD! Thomas
It actually was. He called me I was like, “Do you think Jeff would like a movie written for him?” As I was like, “Yeah!”

Jeff Ritter
He’s like, “Hold on a second, I got some rewrites, got to make sure this is okay with Jeff.”

But no, it just… what would it be? It’s just… the movie just spoke to me so much.

eD! Thomas
It is a phenomenal movie. There are some things about it that irritate the shit out of me. And I’m going to say the one thing that irritates the shit out of me because I only noticed it tonight, and now it’s not leaving my brain.

Jeff Ritter
Okay.

eD! Thomas
So as Ben Schwartz’s character is driving… it opens with him leaving Los Angeles, coming back to Long Island, and he’s driving through different areas on Long Island. And I know this is super inside-Long-Island-only baseball, but I’m going to go on to it anyway.

He’s driving, and he drives past Governor’s Comedy Club, and he’s driving past it, and it’s over his left shoulder. So he’s in the driver’s seat, it is to his left.

Governor’s Comedy Club, which is in Levittown, is, if you’re going with it to being on your left, you’re going to the end of a parking lot. There’s nowhere to go.

Jeff Ritter
Hold on, good sir. Now, I’m going to say… Don’t get angry…

eD! Thomas
Go ahead.

Jeff Ritter
I’m going to challenge you here.

eD! Thomas
Go ahead.

Jeff Ritter
But I will say I’m not 100% sure. I thought that that was the Brokerage.

eD! Thomas
No, it was Governor’s. It’s red. Brokerage is in my town.

Jeff Ritter
Yes.

eD! Thomas
And that’s still also too far. If you’re coming from the west, you would have to pass Long Beach, which is where he’s going, to go to either of these places.

Jeff Ritter
Yes, no, you’re right. Geographically, you’re right.

eD! Thomas
Yeah. But it was definitely Governor’s. He goes back to the Governor’s later to do a set…

Jeff Ritter
That I know.

eD! Thomas
…and he looks at it. So that’s a little bit of you know, foreshadowing of what’s going to happen but it’s on… He’s going towards a dead end. Or Tri-County Fleamarket, which is the greatest place on earth and I could definitely see… like, honestly, if there was a cut scene of him just going nuts in Tri-County, I would love it. I only go to Tri-County Fleamarket under two conditions: One, I’m drunk, two, I’m at a wake at the funeral home that’s by there, and sometimes a combination of the two.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, I only go there if I need to buy pickles. Tri-County’s got a great…

eD! Thomas
They do have a great pickle place.

Jeff Ritter
No innuendo, I genuinely mean pickled cucumber.

eD! Thomas
Also tons of dick.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, yeah.

eD! Thomas
I don’t want people not knowing what’s there!

Jeff Ritter
No, I hear you.

eD! Thomas
So that was literally the only part of this movie that made me be like, “Now there’s gonna be stuck my head forever, what the hell?”

Jeff Ritter
I blame the director for that.

eD! Thomas
Oh, I do too. Yeah, that’s not on Pete.

Jeff Ritter
Pete, you’re off the hook there. I don’t want to spoil parts of the movie. I just want to, and I think especially if you’re from… You know what, it doesn’t even matter.

eD! Thomas
It doesn’t matter.

Jeff Ritter
It doesn’t. It really doesn’t matter.

eD! Thomas
If you’re from where we’re from and have gone drinking in Long Beach, there are some real good little cues there. I mean, they go to a place called “Whale’s Tail,” which I have spent many an evening, making many bad choices. That bar I love.

There’s a lot of little nods to places that are cool, but you don’t need to know them.

Jeff Ritter
Right.

eD! Thomas
And it’s Certified Fresh on Rotten Tomatoes. So that is good. And the few reviews I saw that weren’t good were written by schmucks.

Jeff Ritter
Well, there you go.

eD! Thomas
Yeah.

Jeff Ritter
So I would say… and I think if you’ve gotten to this episode of the podcast that you kind of like us, I think it’s pretty safe to say that you’ll like this movie. I mean, again, used I think when I first started describing they use the word dramady. Which it is! It is, but definitely has both of those aspects to it.

eD! Thomas
Yeah, it’s a very well done movie. I will never say it to his face ’cause I don’t want his ego to inflate that much.

Jeff Ritter
Okay, fair enough.

Yeah, but you write a movie and fucking Billy Crystal and Ben Schwartz are in it and listen, and I don’t mean to put Ben Schwartz and Billy Crystal…

I mean Billy Crystal’s a legend. Schwartz will be, he’s not yet, let’s be honest, as much as I love him.

But you write a movie and Billy Crystal’s in it? Yo, you would not be able to fucking talk to me ever. Like I would, you know, people from high school come up to me like “Hey, Jeff,” like, “I don’t know you!”

eD! Thomas
Did you hear about his next movie? I think it’s the next one he’s doing, although I’ve seen like two or three that are in pre-production.

Jeff Ritter
I didn’t.

eD! Thomas
This is the one I’m super excited about” It’s called “Down Undercover.” It is essentially the story of the Australian strip troupe. There’s robberies that are going on wherever they are.

So somebody has to infiltrate them, and playing the detective who’s going to infiltrate that stripper group is Chris Hemsworth.

Jeff Ritter
…What?

eD! Thomas
Yeah, Chris Hemsworth. And I don’t remember what Tiffany Haddish was doing in it, but she’s the other star name.

Jeff Ritter
Hold on. I’m sorry. Let’s not gloss over… Why don’t you just remind people who Chris Hemsworth is?

eD! Thomas
That’s Thor, homies.

Jeff Ritter
It’s fucking Thor, y’all. Yeah, I mean, that’s real. A movie that he wrote is gonna fucking Thor in it?

eD! Thomas
Yeah. And I’ve already told him that if he doesn’t somehow get me…

I don’t care where I have to travel. I don’t care what I have to pay. If he doesn’t get me on set, I’m going to cry openly at our next family event. And he doesn’t want that. I’m adorable! Everyone will take my side!

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, no, he doesn’t want that.

eD! Thomas
Come on!

Jeff Ritter
I was gonna say and when you tell everyone why…

eD! Thomas
“He didn’t let me meet Thor! Why?!

Jeff Ritter
Yeah!

eD! Thomas
“I’d let you meet Macho Man Randy Savage if he was alive and meeting me.”

Jeff Ritter
I’m going to show up at your family gathering. And be like, “You fucked up, Pete! This is not cool. What you did, man, this is fucking Thor we’re talking about!”

Wow. That’s, that’s awesome.

eD! Thomas
Yeah.

Jeff Ritter
That’s awesome. I mean, I know that I sound like I’m really fanboying right now, and I don’t mean to, I just genuinely liked… I genuinely liked this movie. And I think I’ll have the opportunity with the person who created it when most likely hear my thoughts, so I would let him know that how much I liked it and how good of a job he did.

eD! Thomas
Can I ask you what could very well be a difficult question?

Jeff Ritter
Okay.

eD! Thomas
Where does it fall in the “Juwanna Mann” Standard?

Jeff Ritter
Geez, who you really… you’re really shooting for it!

eD! Thomas
I don’t know of any other movie like this that I could ask you that question, knowing that you sat through multiple viewings, that is not a Marvel movie

Jeff Ritter
So I will tell you, this is a better movie than “Juwanna Mann.”

eD! Thomas
Wow.

Jeff Ritter
Yes, this is a better movie than “Juwanna Mann.”

Serves a very different purpose. But this is, without a doubt, a better movie than “Juwanna Mann.”

eD! Thomas
Folks, let me be very clear right now: that is the highest endorsement you could possibly hope for a movie.

Jeff Ritter
I don’t talk that nicely about my kids!

eD! Thomas
He does not! You should have heard him in the opening. When he was talking about his baby puking? If I asked him what that was compared to “Juwanna Mann,” tell you this much, “Juwanna Mann” wins every time.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah. That’s the opposite of “Juwanna Mann,” by the way.

eD! Thomas
Wow. All right. Well, I’m sure Pete’ll be happy to hear that, in your eyes, he’s beaten “Juwanna Mann.”

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, he did his thing there for sure.

eD! Thomas
It’s good stuff.

So, hey, you want to talk about some weird shit real quick? Something a little creepy?

Jeff Ritter
Yes.

eD! Thomas
So this happened a while ago, but I don’t think we ever talked about it. So I wanted to bring it up.

You know how a lot of people just mindlessly use their phones. And like every time they’re just standing there, they just pick them up and like, “darrrr what?”

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, like me?

eD! Thomas
Yeah, like we do. Usually, when one is talking, the other one’s just playing on their phone. It’s fine.

Jeff Ritter
I’m playing on my phone right now!

eD! Thomas
It’s true.

There is a gentleman named Mark Tessier, I believe it’s how you pronounce that at Telecom, Paris, who developed a phone case that…

…what’s the best way to put it feels like human skin?

Jeff Ritter
Huh?

eD! Thomas
Yeah, it’s like you put your phone in a meat brick and then…

Jeff Ritter
It feels like human skin?

eD! Thomas
Yeah, it feels like skin, and it can react to every stroke, poke, and tickle, much like skin does.

Jeff Ritter
Well that’s… that’s weird.

eD! Thomas
And could work for several applications that are all non-kinky, and many applications that, I assure you, are hella kinky.

Jeff Ritter
Are definitely kinky!

eD! Thomas
Yeah.

Jeff Ritter
That’s… I feel like that’s gross. That’s gross. Right?

eD! Thomas
It’s so, so gross. It looks like a monster. I hate it.

Jeff Ritter
All right, well, wait, wait, where can people find this so that they know where to go and look because you need something that they’re gonna have to see, right?

eD! Thomas
Yeah, yeah.

The article that I found on Gizmodo is not loading the images for me. So I’m going to find…

Here we go! I will link to it in the episode description.

Jeff Ritter
Okay.

eD! Thomas
I’m going to link to it as a “Happy Fun Time Phone Case,” as to not spoil the horror of what you’re going to hear.

And if you click it beforehand, you’re going to think we’re real freak shows!

Jeff Ritter
Yeah.

Which is fine.

I mean, yeah, you already think that.

eD! Thomas
Yeah. If you’ve listened to the more than two episodes of this, you know that we’re weirdos.

Jeff Ritter
How much is it?

eD! Thomas
I do not know that it is available for sale.

Okay, projected, how much do you think it would be?

I don’t even know that it’s going to be a real product.

Jeff Ritter
Kickstarter. Come on.

eD! Thomas
They could definitely Kickstarter this 10 minutes, tops.

There is an open-source hardware kit you can buy that is not on this thing… Here we go, skin-on interface…

Oh god, this thing looks so gross.

Jeff Ritter
So what is this? An open-source hardware kit? Would provide you with the material and the blueprint?

eD! Thomas
I guess so, yeah. It’s so gnarly. I am looking at it right now and almost throwing up. I’m going to send you a link real quick, ’cause I feel that you need to see this.

Jeff Ritter
It’s weird. It’s like a car crash. Like I know it’s gonna be gross, but I want to, like, I kind of want to fucking order this thing.

Oh… I don’t.

I don’t.

I don’t.

eD! Thomas
it looks like you’re holding a bar of soap that is also made of human flesh. It’s disgusting.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, I don’t want to do this. This sounds… This looks horrible.

eD! Thomas
It looks like a cadaver, it doesn’t have the same hue as a living slab of meat, which is appropriate because if it was living, that would be really creepy.

Jeff Ritter
You know how when you see a creepy person and you kind of make that joke about them turning you into a lampshade or something like that?

eD! Thomas
Yeah, we’ve all spoken to Dave.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah. So this… is this is a phone case! This is the…

eD! Thomas
This is the Dave of phone cases!

Jeff Ritter
This is the Dave of phone cases.

eD! Thomas
Wow, that is insulting to this phone case.

Jeff Ritter
Kind of human, thoroughly disgusting, nobody wants it.

eD! Thomas
Touching it leads to some weird shit you do not want to have happen.

Jeff Ritter
Exactly, this is the Dave of phone cases!

eD! Thomas
Wow, you just cracked that one.

Jeff Ritter
There we go!

eD! Thomas
Good god. So, yeah, look for that link in the episode description, folks, you’ll have a good time with that, and possibly vomit just as much as Jeff’s baby.

Jeff Ritter
Oh, yuck.

eD! Thomas
So you got anything else for me there, bud?

Jeff Ritter
No, man, this one really threw me. I don’t even remember what else I wanted to talk about.

eD! Thomas
I do like that that we had a puking bread around a loving review sandwich. I feel like that’s the most on-brand thing we could have possibly done.

Jeff Ritter
That’s true. I hope people hear the review.

eD! Thomas
They definitely will, it’ll be fine.

Jeff Ritter
I hope they make it through the puke part because that was… thank God you didn’t bring this skin thing up to me in the beginning. We wouldn’t have even recorded an episode.

eD! Thomas
No, you would have died.

Jeff Ritter
Like, “Hey, check out this skin case, theme music, and we’re done.” That’s exactly what this episode would have been.

eD! Thomas
Would have been just me going, “Jeff? Jeff? Where’d you go, buddy? What? Where’d you go? Ohhh…”, then end.

That would’ve been really easy to edit, though.

Jeff Ritter
That’s true.

eD! Thomas
Well, it’s been a pleasure, as always, speaking to you.

Jeff Ritter
Oh, you know it goes without saying, ditto, buddy.

eD! Thomas
I will talk to you next week. I love you.

Jeff Ritter
See you, love you.

eD! Thomas
Bye.