• Colonoscopies!
• Doctors who suck at doctoring!
• Scooters with cavernous pouches for holding things!
• Thousand-dollar handjobs!
• And SO MUCH MORE

And hey, if you're looking for the transcript of this, it'll be up later or tomorrow or something, I'm still editing that. DEAL WITH IT, TRANSCRIPT-LOVIN' JONES.

Also, as a side note, eD! owes dbrand an apology -- he thinks that his AirPods Pro case might have been to blame for his wireless charging issues, not their case for his AirPods Pro, so he's a real piece of shit for saying otherwise. Oh, and you can get the Ghost case that eD! and Jeff bought here -- that's not an affiliate link or something, dbrand just makes nice stuff and deserves your money to be honest!

And, y'know, all the stuff from the "Far Out" Apple event that happened on Wednesday. You knew that already, though, since, like, when do we not talk about the bazillions of dollars we just hand our pals in Cupertino?

Also they talk about where they've been for four months and, spoiler, it's none of your business, jackass.

But, as an apology, here's a DALL·E image of a hamster making it rain, which should make things better for everyone:

You want example topics? Put on some socks, 'cause we're about to knock your goofy ass outta 'em!

• The newest cast memeber for "Fast 10", and eD!'s dream casting for Vin Diesel's non-John Cena brother!
• Jeff's mind-altered snacking shenanigans!
• Spoilers for movies that are between 14 and 37 years old!
• Jeff's funeral plans!
• Shiny new toys!
• Memories of operating systems gone by!
• And apple juice, because we're not afraid to get controversial!

Also, no Dave this episode, so this is a perfect soundtrack for those sexytimes you might be hoping to have tonight, although this episode is longer than 15 seconds so it might not be the best idea you ever had, endurance-wise.

Oh, yeah, we're going to be releasing these things every other week from now on, and we're already ahead of the game, prepared-episode-wise, so no more 27 year gaps between episodes, probably.

And if you want to get those lightbulbs that eD! talks about, homies, we got you.

Listen to this instead of the crazed rantings of your uncle that’s on Facebook too frequently, it’ll be way better.

And also Niki Minaj’s cousin’s balls. Yeah, it’s a weird one.

Also, we spend like 15 minutes straight talking about a really good egg sandwich, so maybe you should have one of them before you listen to this episode, or else you'll be sitting there all, "Damn, I shoulda had that egg sandwich I was warned about, this sounds delicious" the whole time.

You can listen to the episode where eD!'s eye was last a funky weirdo, Villain Meeting, here. You can also see the dope Zoom Freak 2 shoes eD!'s Dad got by clicking here.

And you can take your shitty opinions on "Joker" right back with you to Hell, you bastards.

By the way, we know it’s taken a while for new episodes to come out, but if your podcast playing app ever shows you this shit?

It’s a lie. This podcast will be finished when either eD! and/or Jeff are DEAD (especially if eD! dies because Jeff doesn't know how to upload the episodes).

If you, too, would like us to answer your questions in an episode, feel free to submit them through our contact form here.

Also: eD!’s local Crossfit was replaced with a new business that will fill your heart with delight.

If you, too, want to read the article eD! references from The Washington Post about the return of The Noid, it’s right here, you goobers.

Also, eD! mentioned that you could find information on the brouhaha with his email service, HEY, at The Verge, but we all know you’re not going to look it up yourself, so you can just click that link to get to it.

You’re welcome, you lazy jerks!

Also, eD!’s been to a real weird supermarket, extremely dangerous meatloaf, Jeff loves some hard seltzer, and delight at our new hobby, corrupting the children of Canada!

This is also a continuation from Cucumbers on the Moon, so for those of you who messaged me to say Jeff’s joke at the end of that episode wasn’t good enough to end on, now you get why I did it, Sandy.

Also this episode was recorded before Prince Philip died, so our jokes about how terrible he looked are only somewhat tasteless, not completely tasteless, which is a fun change of pace for us.

We also talk about that U2 album that no one wanted that Apple gave us all, because y'boys do not let shit go!

They also talk about Jeff's 3-year-old's first outing with her kickball league and Jeff's 3rd grader playing lacrosse, but let's be honest, you're really here for the Apple stuff, but whatever we have lives outside of shiny new crap, too!

(Well, Jeff does. eD!, not so much.)

A list of some of the hot and still very topical subjects discussed:

• Presidential debates!
• Considering watching "Ted Lasso"!
• Dong clamps!
• eD! not having watched "Ted Lasso"!
• Picking up a recently-purchased iPhone 12 Pro!
• Okay, Jeff, we get it, you like "Ted Lasso"!
• "Wiggly" versus "jiggly"!
• Other TV that isn't "Ted Lasso", mercifully!
• Jeff disappoints Sunshine!
• And so much more!

We're not kidding about the "so much more", by the way -- this is a four-hour episode. Strap in, get some comfy headphones ('cause Dave didn't do a damn thing to the audio so it might not be our best listening experience), and prepare for nonsense that makes more sense and beats the runtime out of "Zack Snyder's Justice League"!

We also talk about breakthroughs in Reese's Peanut Butter Cup technology, cookie considerations, awkward Google searches eD! is not going to do, and Dave's life is in eD! and Jeff's hands, so he's probably screwed!

And since there's no reason why you wouldn't want to buy some dope as hell Art Deco Cats coloring pages, you can pick that goodness up here!

Oh, and if you're curious about when Jeff has railed against cyclists before, it's all waiting for you here.

Also, eD! finally watched "Ted Lasso" and makes Jeff wait until the end of the episode to talk about it because, let's be honest, occasionally eD! is a complete dick.

In 2019, Dave finally got his shit together and decided to ask Lisa to marry him. Despite our continued warnings about what sort of a terrible idea that'd be, Lisa accepted.

In 2021, despite the non-stop Get Out of Bad Choices Free cards the Universe gave her, Lisa and Dave got married, and eD! and Jeff are here to tell you all about it!

Also: eD! has a new M1 MacBook Pro! The secret petty history of the iPhone! And we spend so much time just shitting on Dave, it's honestly a great time for us (although maybe not so much for Dave, but who cares tbh?).

Also “reindeer” are now “Christmas Moose”. Deal with it, asshole.

Since only a massive idiot wouldn't want this, and we all know you're not a massive idiot, you can pick up the Columbo Day coloring book eD! mentions on Etsy here. It's $3, don't be an ass-face and pick one up for yourself!

They also answer all the burning questions you probably had after the event ended:

• Will eD! and Jeff be buying a HomePod mini? (Yes, c'mon now.)
• Did Apple do enough with the iPhone 12 to convince them to upgrade? (Yes, they announced it, the bar isn't exactly high.)
• Is eD! still bitter about the iPad mini not getting an update last month? (Not really, but he couldn't think of another thing to ask in this description, and this was the first thing he thought of, so maybe?)

If you listen to only one podcast while mindlessly staring at the Apple Store app waiting for the pre-orders for the iPhone 12 to start, make it this one (and then re-evaluate your need to make really odd and specific boundaries for yourself)!

Also, technically this episode is made in partnership with Microsoft, or sponsored by Microsoft, or something like that? We explain it in the episode, and hopefully that makes the FTC less likely to smack eD! around!

If you have any follow-up questions about Dave's News Corner, please direct them to @DaveintheStudio on Twitter.

We also don’t mention our unplanned hiatus at all, since this was recorded before that happened, so you’ll have to leave that mystery on the back burner for now — sorry, people who complained about waiting for a new episode to us on Twitter and are demanding explanations!

If you want to see the web comic that eD! talked about -- and if you don’t you’re a damn fool -- they’re all right here:

• Alien Cadets 1
• Alien Cadets 2
• Alien Cadets 3

In the episode, eD! mentions a thing that he’s going to include a picture of, but since that’d spoil what’s coming, we’ve hidden it below!

Fun Behind-the-Scenes Fact: At one point, we talk about how we're technically not making fun of Dave behind his back because he has to listen to these episodes to edit them before we publish them, but this week Dave's away, so this is the one episode he didn't edit before we put it out, so I guess we were making fun of him behind his back after all?

(Also blame Dave if the audio quality isn't as good as it usually is, he should never have left eD! to do this by himself.)

If you're looking for ways to help, there's resources here.

Wanna watch the Dave Chappelle special we talk about? Here's a link, as promised.

Wanna get the memory foam tips eD! and Jeff discussed for the AirPods Pro? You can preorder them here, pals!

You can see the Instagram post of eD!'s dog, Sunshine, that Jeff was referring to in the episode here. It's honestly very good.

Wanna watch the video Jeff's talking about? We got you, buddy!

Wanna get one of the sweet iPad Pro screen protector's eD! wouldn't shut up about? We live but to serve!

On a Wednesday!

The day after we record!

So we don’t talk about them at all!

FUN!

Also, hey, follow @jrismoney on Twitter. Jeff needs this, gang.

You can get Standing Up, Falling Down on iTunes, Amazon, Vudu, and on whatever your local on-demand video streaming service of choice is, I'm not looking up the links for all of them, who's got that kind of time?

You can also see the Happy Fun Time Phone Case here! You'll never forget it!

Also: Val got a new microphone, and it's a good one!

Oh, and we spoil a lot of "Rise of Skywalker," so if you haven’t seen it, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Also: The pronunciation of “soup”, HBO Max, and sports news eD! greatly enjoyed!

And spoil every last thing in it.

Don't say we didn't warn you and tweet at us angrily later.

Also: we find out what cockfishing is, and will never be able to not know it again. Fun!

No, seriously, that is how you spell it, right?

And no, he has no plans on letting that anger go, thank you very much.

Seriously, it’s spoiled 2 minutes in. Don’t listen if you don’t wanna know, we’re not messing around here.

They also talk about music and farts. This might be the most on-brand episode of all time, honestly

You can feel free to follow Dave’s new Instagram account here!