Jeff 2024

Jeff 2024
Nearly Coherent

 
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eD! and Jeff discuss Valentine adventures, the price of trumpets, terrible Twitter takes, and things that could tank Jeff’s theoretical political campaign!

Jeff 2024
Nearly Coherent

 
Play/Pause Episode
00:00 / 00:27:11
Rewind 30 Seconds
1X

eD! and Jeff discuss Valentine’s adventures, the price of trumpets, terrible Twitter takes, and things that could tank Jeff’s theoretical political campaign!

Episode Transcript

eD! Thomas
Welcome to the Nearly Coherent Podcast. I’m eD! and, sitting there, the light reflecting off of his head and blinding me with his sexiness, is my buddy, Jeff.

Jeff, how are you, you radiant son of a bitch, you?

Jeff Ritter
Hello there, good sir. How are you doing?

eD! Thomas
I’m a little disappointed that I didn’t give you as good an introduction as I felt I could have. But I can’t think of anything else. So we’re gonna go with that one.

Jeff Ritter
It made me feel good.

You know what, actually, you know what song played in my head? When you started talking about blinding? Was that song “Blinded by the Light”?

eD! Thomas
Oh, okay.

Jeff Ritter
You know, the one with the questionable lyric, that’s actually something like “revved up like a deuce” or something like that?

eD! Thomas
Yeah, yeah, that’s much better than the song I thought you were going to say, which was “Dancing Queen” by ABBA.

Jeff Ritter
Really?

eD! Thomas
Because I know how frequently that goes through your head.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, now it’s in my head, but that song very never goes through my head.

eD! Thomas
You’re welcome.

Jeff Ritter
Not a big week for me. How about you?

eD! Thomas
I did venture outside of my house a little bit, which was weird.

Jeff Ritter
Where did you go? Anywhere fun?

eD! Thomas
It was fun. I believe you know that I’m taking classes to get that educational certificate that they go, like, “Hey, you did a thing,” and I can be like, “Look, I did a thing, stop being disappointed in me, family, haha.”

Jeff Ritter
Yes, I’ve heard. I’ve heard that.

eD! Thomas
So the one I’m taking this semester, or this eight weeks, or whatever it is, is music appreciation. And this past week, I had to go to a concert to do a concert review for the class. And I was looking for a concert that would be easier for me to get through and not have to deal with, like, a ton of people.

Jeff Ritter
Okay.

eD! Thomas
So over the weekend… it was actually the 15th is when this went down, I believe… and it was a Valentine’s Day concert, didn’t realize that when I bought the tickets for a swing, a big band/swing kind of deal.

Jeff Ritter
Okay.

eD! Thomas
And you know I love anything with a good brass section.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah.

eD! Thomas
I love it so much.

Jeff Ritter
I know people bust on swing because I know for a little while there the Big Bad Voodoo Daddies and the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies and whatever else were kind of gave it a bad name — and then those hideous GAP commercials — but if you listen to real swing music? Good swing music? Man, I could listen to that any day.

eD! Thomas
I’m gonna have to disagree with you on Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. I believe that they’re excellent. But, yeah, Cherry Poppin’ Daddies?

Jeff Ritter
I pass no judgment on liking them. I just meant that they were not well like bands. They did to swing music what Nickelback did to, I don’t know, Canada?

eD! Thomas
Fair enough. Yeah.

So I went to this thing and, again, did not know it was a Valentine’s Day-themed thing. So that was awkward.

Also awkward? I brought down the average age of the room to probably about 87. I was surrounded by the elderly.

Jeff Ritter
Let me ask you this. You mentioned that you bought “tickets.”

eD! Thomas
Yeah.

Jeff Ritter
Did you buy more than one ticket, or did you go to this alone?

eD! Thomas
No, no, I went with my dad, because he likes that music too.

Jeff Ritter
Fucking awesome. That is awesome. I love that you took your dad on a Valentine’s date to a swing band concert for old people.

eD! Thomas
I had no idea that it was a swing band Valentine’s Day thing for old people!

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, no, that’s why I love it. If you did it on purpose, I would just be sad for you. The fact that you did it…

eD! Thomas
“Oh, that’s that’s what you do with your days?!”

Jeff Ritter
Yeah.

eD! Thomas
It was real weird. My dad was happy about it because he felt young there that he doesn’t get to do very frequently.

Jeff Ritter
Wow, little bit of a backhanded compliment at old Pop’s there. I don’t know if he deserved that one.

eD! Thomas
I’m pretty sure I’ve made the joke while he was in front of me, so this isn’t anything new.

Jeff Ritter
Oh, I’m sure he can take it. And I’m also equally sure that there’ll be retaliation waiting for you.

eD! Thomas
True!

What was really interesting was back when I was in high school, I played the trumpet. I was the first trumpet first chair, trumpet person. So I was like the guy for the brass section. And my teacher was a trumpet player. So, like, I basically got an “A” just by default.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, just by being there, being you.

eD! Thomas
Yeah, just by showing up.

I would get away with such weird crap and that… like one time I was… mind you the class was 45 minutes. I was 33 minutes late to class because some weirdness occurred. I walked in, and my teacher was about to yell at me, and I handed him a cheeseburger. And I said, “Just here, eat this, you’ll be fine,” and then sat down and never said anything about it again.

Jeff Ritter
Perfect! That’s one way of getting out of things.

eD! Thomas
Yeah, it was a wonderful experience.

But there was three schools in my district, one of them the band didn’t matter. They sucked, so I don’t care. And then there’s another one that had… I was more of a classical trumpet player. And the other school had a actual jazz studying trumpet player who was really, really, really, really good. I constantly referred to him as my trumpet nemesis…

Jeff Ritter
Okay.

eD! Thomas
…even though he was a very nice guy we got along whenever we had to play with each other, district bands or whatever, real good dude, but you know, he’s my enemy.

Jeff Ritter
Sure. That makes sense.

eD! Thomas
Yeah, he’s this band as one of their trumpet players.

Jeff Ritter
Really?

eD! Thomas
I had no idea. So I was sitting there being like, “I need to go buy a new trumpet,” even though my trumpet’s perfectly fine, I could just throw some valve oil in there and be fine, I’m just like no…

Jeff Ritter
I was going to say, you could just play it, yeah.

eD! Thomas
…I need a silver one now because I make adult money, and I can just buy shit like that. Who cares?

Jeff Ritter
How much is a trumpet?

I say that being very sure that they range from like a $250 student trumpet, you know, up to something that is much more expensive depending on the, you know, the metals and the this and that. But I can say that’s one thing I have never shopped for trumpets.

eD! Thomas
If I got it used, it would be $1500.

Jeff Ritter
Wow. They really do get up there.

eD! Thomas
Yeah, I think the retail price of it is $3.5 or four grand.

Jeff Ritter
Wow. What makes it so expensive? First of all, who makes it?

eD! Thomas
Bach.

Jeff Ritter
Okay.

eD! Thomas
A Bach Stradivarius trumpet. That’s I’ve got the silver… I’m sorry, the brass, the gold one.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah. That’s brass, right?

eD! Thomas
Yeah. Well, they’re both brass.

Jeff Ritter
But one is brass-coated.

eD! Thomas
Right, yeah. No, I want that. I’ve wanted a silver trumpet since I was playing the trumpet regularly. So I think I deserve it.

Jeff Ritter
Now you have that’s the same trumpet you have in gold, the same model just in a different color?

eD! Thomas
More or less? Yeah.

Jeff Ritter
Okay.

eD! Thomas
Yeah. So it’s basically like when I buy another iPad to just go with my one iPad.

Jeff Ritter
Right, right.

eD! Thomas
Completely superfluous!

Jeff Ritter
You do have a habit.

eD! Thomas
I don’t need it. But I want it.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, you definitely have a habit of doing that kind of stuff, right?

eD! Thomas
Yeah. I’m sitting there thinking that maybe this is the thing that when I buy it, I will finally fill that void in my soul. It’s never full.

Jeff Ritter
Now let me ask you this, would you… What do you want more? You want that trumpet or a silver trumpet? Like, would you settle for one?

Like if you saw another one that was in good shape, but it just wasn’t that, would you be like, “Yeah, I’ll get it.” Or you’re pretty good with I want that specific trumpet. If I’m going to get something I don’t need, I’m going to get exactly what I want.

eD! Thomas
Yeah, that’s what… I’m used to all the things. I mean, like, technically a trumpet is a trumpet but like Yamahas, back when I was playing more regularly, we’re a little bit… what’s the… like it… It felt a little tighter. So it was harder to blow through it didn’t feel as…

Jeff Ritter
Well crafted. Yeah, sure.

eD! Thomas
It felt well crafted. It’s just a different, it’s like driving a… I don’t know, really expensive domestic car versus a really expensive other car? I don’t know cars. Literally, this entire metaphor is completely useless to me.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, I get what you’re saying though. There are you know you when you drive a real cheap car you can tell the difference to when you drive, even if it’s more mostly most likely is more expensive, but it is just a better, a more well-crafted car, you can tell the difference.

eD! Thomas
Okay, so here’s the car thing. So in the “Fast and Furious” movies, Vin Diesel only drives Dodges or domestic cars and which whatever Paul Walker’s character’s name is… Brian, I believe… he only drives foreign cars. They’re both very good cars, it’s all entirely on who’s driving them.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah.

eD! Thomas
I just prefer to be Vin Diesel. I believe Vin Diesel would be a Bach.

Jeff Ritter
Okay, that’s fair. I never thought I’d hear somebody describe Vin Diesel in that way.

eD! Thomas
If somebody is going to somehow tie the trumpet into the “Fast and Furious” movies, there’s only one person who’s qualified.

Jeff Ritter
It’s going to be you.

eD! Thomas
It’s me.

Jeff Ritter
It’d be nice if they let you do the theme song, all trumpet theme song for the next one. Don’t know how much it fits with the movie, but…

eD! Thomas
It just be me going [fart noise] into the trumpet.

Yeah.

Jeff Ritter
Two things: The first is that when it comes to instruments, and even something like the drums… I mean, drumsticks have very different feels. And it’s not that one is better than the other necessarily, but they have different feels, even ones that are the same, like 5B, is the standard drumstick that you would get for like Concert band. Different companies, their 5B drumsticks, just had different feels. So I totally get it. You know another one another instrument that they said about guitars, guitars are like that.

You know, you play two $2500 guitars and just the fretwork, and the intonation on the strings is different. The playability is just different.

eD! Thomas
Yeah.

Jeff Ritter
The other thing I have a question for you is this:

eD! Thomas
Go ahead.

Jeff Ritter
So now “Hobbs and Shaw” have their branch of the FFU. And if you were asked, you need to do a trumpet theme song to either the next “Hobbs and Shaw” or the next Fast and the Furious. Which one do you pick?

eD! Thomas
I feel like it would work better for “Hobbs and Shaw”. “Hobbs and Shaw” is more of a spy movie with an automobile/fighting twist. And “The Fast and The Furious” is more of a racing movie with a spy twist. So I feel like just a spy based movie would be more of what my particular trumpets skills would work for.

Jeff Ritter
Very interesting!

eD! Thomas
Whereas my high school nemesis would be better for a “The Fast and The Furious” trumpet based theme.

Jeff Ritter
There’s a lot more thought put into that answer than I ever, ever, ever expected. I feel like, and I’ll tell you right now, and I think I should make this disclaimer. I did not ask him about this question before we recorded, and I say this because…

eD! Thomas
No.

Jeff Ritter
…that was one of our most coherent and well thought out answers to, I would say the top three stupidest questions ever asked on the podcast.

eD! Thomas
Yes, it’s easily top three.

Jeff Ritter
I just asked if you got picked to do an all-trumpet theme song to your choice of major Hollywood blockbuster franchise, and you really…

eD! Thomas
Specifically “Fast and Furious” based!

Jeff Ritter
Yes, yeah.

eD! Thomas
I feel is a much more difficult thing to rationalize as quickly as I did.

Jeff Ritter
It is! I feel like the theme song to every “Fast and Furious” movie should be sung by a guy wearing an upside-down visor who kind of knows the lyrics to Linkin Park but doesn’t know all the lyrics.

eD! Thomas
Only knows the rap half, doesn’t know any of the actual singing part.

Jeff Ritter
I like when like, you know, when you’re singing the like when you’re singing the chorus, and it’s like, “crawling in my skin, these wounds I do not feel,” which are not the right words, but it’s like kinda close and fits the rhyme scheme. You know, like that kind of guy. He’s got the frosted tips. He’s 100% wearing camouflage cargo shorts.

eD! Thomas
Oh, so Mark McGrath.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, but I would say shorter and with a beer belly.

eD! Thomas
Basically, Mark McGrath’s Mini-Me.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, you know what I’m talking about.

eD! Thomas
I got it. I do. 100%.

Jeff Ritter
Really picture that guy.

eD! Thomas
Yeah.

Jeff Ritter
He’s got a Puddle of Mudd tattoo or something.

eD! Thomas
Oh no, that’s a bad choice.

Folks, if you’re listening and you have a puddle of mud tattoo, I want you to know that right now. We’re judging you hard.

Jeff Ritter
Oh yeah, oh my goodness. If that person even exists, I have to say, I really hope that they don’t listen to us.

And I know that beggars can’t really be choosers, but still, if you have a Puddle of Mudd tattoo, and it’s not “Puddle of Mudd Sucks,” or “Puddle of Mudd” with the like to no smoking or Ghostbusters “Do Not” circle around it, then we just don’t need your business. We don’t need you here.

eD! Thomas
We really don’t.

Jeff Ritter
No, I’m sorry, we don’t.

eD! Thomas
We appreciate your time up till now, but if you listen again after this, we’re gonna have to call a police person.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah. Oh, man. All right. You know what? I read an article today that it’s just another one of those, like, “What… what did he say?” I don’t know if you’re familiar with Dwayne Wade and Gabrielle Union.

eD! Thomas
So I was just on Twitter, like, five minutes before we were recording, and I saw somebody talking about something with “Dwayne.” So I presume it is either that it is or the guy from…

Jeff Ritter
Kadeem Hardison’s magnificent Dwayne Wade from “A Different World.”

eD! Thomas
Yes, that was the one.

Jeff Ritter
Or Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. The only three Dwaynes I know.

eD! Thomas
If you’re talking about Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, you’re just calling him “The Rock,” or Mr. Johnson.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah.

eD! Thomas
Or Dwayne “The Rock Johnson.” You’re not calling him Dwayne.

Jeff Ritter
“The Rock” does have to be in there.

eD! Thomas
Yeah.

Jeff Ritter
He and Oprah made a joke about, you know, running in 2020. I would not vote for Oprah, because I don’t like her. She’s just annoying.

But I would vote so many times for The Rock. I would just keep voting. I voted part of dead relatives. I would do all of that. Just to have The Rock be President.

First of all, it will be the next logical step in our country’s evolution.

eD! Thomas
Also, can you imagine The Rock and that orange diaper filled with rotten baby food on a debate stage?

Jeff Ritter
Oh my god.

eD! Thomas
It would be the most magnificent thing in the world.

Jeff Ritter
That happened at WWF’s “Monday Night Raw”.

eD! Thomas
That would be where the debates are!

Jeff Ritter
Our President squared off against Vince McMahon on USA Network.

eD! Thomas
I think it would be fitting that we’d have at that point, two Presidents in a row that are in the Wrestling Hall of Fame. So really moving up.

Jeff Ritter
That would be… If I ever say that we… know you know what, I won’t even be unhappy about it. Because I can’t do anything about Trump being in the Hall of Fame. He’s already the President and let’s face it, he’s going to be for another four years in all likelihood.

So we’re hoping like Rock 2024 at this… although maybe he’s the only man that could take him down.

eD! Thomas
I don’t know.

Jeff Ritter
Imagine that. Just imagine that movie.

eD! Thomas
Just The Rock saving America?

Jeff Ritter
The Rock just running. That would be like the movie “Head of State” where Chris Rock, my second favorite Rock, third if you count Roc, the garbage man from the old FOX show. Love that show. Played by Charles S. Dutton.

That really is a show, by the way. It’s called “Roc”, and it was awesome.

eD! Thomas
Okay, I believe you.

Jeff Ritter
I’m very surprised that you don’t know that show, by the way.

eD! Thomas
I was so lost in the fact that we already have like years of Rock the Vote t-shirts that The Rock could just be using.

Jeff Ritter
Oh my god, you’re right.

eD! Thomas
I gotta be honest, I was only half paying attention as I’m sitting there being like, “Can you imagine every Urban Outfitters all of a sudden just bringing those back”? Because they’re all just overpriced thrift stores.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, I wish I almost wish you didn’t say that. Because you put that idea out there and now someone’s gonna steal it. That is a million-dollar idea. That’s a million-dollar idea.

eD! Thomas
It is. We should cut this out and then go and find it in all those shirts and then put this into a different episode, and then the six people that listened to that episode can spread the word, and we can make a ton of money.

Jeff Ritter
That’s true. Yeah. Hey, guys, keep this between us. Keep this between us. Don’t say nothing, both of you.

eD! Thomas
Yeah, Dad.

Jeff Ritter
Oh, that’s it. That’s how he’s gonna get you back.

eD! Thomas
Ah, I knew it, jerk.

Jeff Ritter
Your father’s gonna sell your idea to Urban Outfitters, then cut you out of the will like, “Oh yeah, who went to an old person concert now?!”

Back to Dwayne Wade and his wife, Gabrielle Union. They have a son, I believe 12 years old, that has come out saying that they identify as female and are choosing to use the “she”/”her” pronouns. So this is obviously huge news. They have been outspokenly supportive of her.

eD! Thomas
Okay, cool. First question: Who is Dwyane Wade?

Jeff Ritter
Oh, he’s, like, he’s one of the most famous basketball players of all time.

eD! Thomas
Okay.

Jeff Ritter
He played for the Miami Heat. He won championships there with Shaquille O’Neal and LeBron James, who are…

eD! Thomas
I know those names!

Jeff Ritter
…two other famous basketball players. You may know them from Shazam and Space Jam 2, respectively. And he’s married to Gabrielle Union, who I’m sure you do know. She played Marcus Burnett’s sister in Bad Boys II.

eD! Thomas
Yeah, I know her.

Jeff Ritter
Anyway, so they’ve come out they were on. I think they were on Ellen today or yesterday, or I’m not sure what day they were on. Like parents should be, they are standing behind their child. So this… I think he’s a rapper? I don’t know, I’m old, I have no idea who this guy is… His name’s Boosie Badazz, which I mean, it’s B-O-O-Z-I-E Badass.

eD! Thomas
I believe it is B-O-O-S-I-E and then B-A-D-A-Z-Z?

Jeff Ritter
Is it? Oh. You know what? It doesn’t matter, honestly.

eD! Thomas
Well, I think I think the B-A-D-A-Z-Z already indicates a lack of making good choices.

Jeff Ritter
Well, I was just gonna say so you know what I’m about to tell you is, is an intelligent, well-informed argument.

He goes on Twitter on this rant about cutting his dick off, talking about a 12-year-old this way, which was weird. And it was this, like, he went crazy on Twitter, and probably, like, really ruined a lot of chances that he might have to make some money.

And the best is, it was about nothing. Because I think the whole point, well documented or very apparent, that they weren’t talking to their child about gender reassignment surgery or any of that. I think he was simply saying that the child right now is choosing to use the “he” or “she”… I’m sorry, the “she” and “her” pronouns. And all I could think was “shut up.” Like why can’t somebody just shut up? Just shut the fuck up! You have nothing to with anything! No one is asking your opinion, just shut the fuck up. You don’t have to do it.

The only good that came of this is that somebody suggested Dwayne’s gotta fight him now because this was an attack on his child. And they said that he has to fight, they should fight now and I think that’s a great idea. Because there’s nothing more I like then celebrities fighting each other. Especially when it’s like actual celebrities! Like yeah, I don’t want to see the guy from Bagel Boss fight Jose Canseco, or whoever the fuck it was. I don’t need to see that. But two actual celebrities would be awesome!

eD! Thomas
Yeah, I could see where that would be good. And if you do it as a pay per view, you might be able to make enough money to buy Boosie Badazz a better alphabets set?

Jeff Ritter
Oh yeah.

eD! Thomas
You don’t even need both Z’s, man! “AZ” and “AZZ,” it’s the same thing… I’m really hung up on the spelling. I mean, also his idiotic views of life but…

Jeff Ritter
I don’t get it. Was there already a “Boosie Badass” with the two S’s out there that he had to change it?

eD! Thomas
I don’t know. Maybe that username was taken on Twitter, and he was like, “Wow, gotta do something else now.”

Jeff Ritter
Oh, yeah, that’s how I used to get my Xbox names when I was 16 years old.

eD! Thomas
Yeah. It’s like how the BBC reporter Ed Thomas has to have a different number after his name.

Jeff Ritter
What is he?

eD! Thomas
I don’t know, it was like EdThomas73. Oh, we haven’t gotten any in a while, I used to have to answer him all the time. It was great.

Jeff Ritter
Is he older than you?

eD! Thomas
I believe so.

Jeff Ritter
Because I’m just thinking when he dies, you’re gonna get like an influx of tweets.

eD! Thomas
Ugh, and I have a policy of responding to all of them being like, “On behalf of the Ed Thomas you meant to mention, thank you for I’m sure they worked very hard on whatever it is you’re saying was good.”

Jeff Ritter
Yo, when you start getting the death tweets? Answer them and don’t say that you’re different Ed Thomas.

eD! Thomas
But my avatar’s different!

Jeff Ritter
Doesn’t matter.

eD! Thomas
I’m a strikingly good looking human, and the other Ed Thomas is a guy. I mean, I’m sure he’s fine, but…

Jeff Ritter
It doesn’t matter. If they’re sending it to you, they already aren’t looking.

eD! Thomas
That’s true.

Jeff Ritter
So I’m saying…

eD! Thomas
If I just respond with “oooooOOOOOoooo,” or a GIF of a ghost.

Jeff Ritter
If they say, “Oh, our best,” you know, “Our condolences,” or “Prayers with you and your family,” just write back like, “Yeah, thanks. They’re probably gonna need them.”

I think you should do that.

eD! Thomas
All right, I’ll do that. I’m gonna have to take the day off from work for that.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, you get 15 more minutes, though.

eD! Thomas
That’s true. I do love those 15 minutes. So good as better it’d be that then the poor guy whose name is Michael Cohen on Twitter when the whole Michael Cohen thing was happening is like, “Well, my matches are dead forever. This is great.”

Jeff Ritter
Yeah. “Might as well roll hang up this Twitter, been fun.”

eD! Thomas
Oh, good times. Just check who you’re tweeting. It might not be the person you intend to be yelling at and calling a big stupid turd.

Jeff Ritter
Interesting. It’ll be funny if EdThomas73 from the BBC is getting your hate tweets. And he’s like, “Well, what the fuck, I’m not this guy!”

eD! Thomas
“I’m not on this podcast. Why is this? What are they talking about? I don’t even understand!”

Jeff Ritter
It’s why we’re not getting any negative feedback because Holding on to this guy from the BBC.

eD! Thomas
He’s just having a stiff upper lip about, it not saying anything. What a jerk!

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, he is. He’s taking it on the chin.

eD! Thomas
UGH. Stop being so noble, EdThomas73! I really hope it’s EdThomas73 and that I’m not messing that up. I might be. Don’t tweet at him. So all you gotta do.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, it’s not you. Doesn’t matter.

eD! Thomas
Yeah, it’s true. What do I care? I’m ever gonna see it.

Jeff Ritter
Right.

eD! Thomas
So what else is going on with you? How’s life, buddy?

Jeff Ritter
Right now, man, life is boring. Life is boring.

eD! Thomas
That’s good for podcasting!

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, I tell you this. We went to a waterpark over the weekend and…

eD! Thomas
Indoor, I hope?

Jeff Ritter
Yes, indoor.

eD! Thomas
Good.

Jeff Ritter
And the kid at the table behind me, in a fit, threw his yogurt on the floor, and it got all over my back.

eD! Thomas
Oof.

Jeff Ritter
I was not happy. Not so much because the little kid threw the yogurt. Because he’s a little kid and that’s what they do. But because the parents were so shitty, and the kids were so unwieldy, and then they see me get up and try to wipe the yogurt off of my own back, which is not easy, and they say nothing. And like now, I’m standing over their table, staring at them as I’m trying to get the yogurt off of my back, and they stay there looking at me, one of them smiles. I’m like, Oh my god, I lost it. I’m so angry. So but my kids were all sitting there, so I say nothing.

Then we go later, and we’re in the lazy river.

eD! Thomas
Best water ride hands down, by the way.

Jeff Ritter
Not at this place, because it’s a little bit compact. They have way too many tubes in there, and then 90% of the kids don’t go into just run around.

eD! Thomas
Oh, I hate that. Damn it, kids, it’s the “lazy river,” not the “burnout your energy”… That’s what the wave pools for, you asses.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, it’s horrible. It was very annoying.

So they’re in there though, of course running around and it took every single fiber of my being to not charge them in this tube and use the two as a battering ram to hammer this kid’s head against the side of the lazy river. I had to hold back, like, so dearly. It was I was proud of myself that I did, but I do still, now, looking back on it, I feel like it was a missed opportunity. I could have exacted some vengeance on this little shit.

eD! Thomas
On the little kid that threw the yogurt? Or the parents?

Jeff Ritter
No, the kid. That’s why I didn’t do it.

eD! Thomas
Yeah, no, you gotta get the parents in there.

Jeff Ritter
Oh, man.

eD! Thomas
Gotta drown them.

Jeff Ritter
I was proud. I was very proud of myself that I didn’t do.

eD! Thomas
I’m proud of you!

Jeff Ritter
But I’m telling you, I saw the whole thing. Like Tony Stark’s vision of Thanos’ snap. I saw the whole thing play out in my head.

eD! Thomas
That’s horrifying. Did Chris Evans reach up to you and say that you could have stopped it, too?

Jeff Ritter
No, because I think that would have driven me over the edge, and I would have battering rammed this kid’s noggin, and the adult is a bad look. I figured if I ever run for some sort of political office that definitely would come back.

Although imagine in the Ritter 2024 campaign trail, the security cam footage from Great Wolf Lodge comes up of me hammering some kids head off the side of the lazy river? They’d be like, “Uh, maybe we shouldn’t,” maybe that’d be the thing that caused people not to vote.

eD! Thomas
Yeah, but on the other hand, that’s theoretical. You have a lot of podcast episodes that would have to go through if you decided to run through it for office. So…

Jeff Ritter
Oh, yeah,

eD! Thomas
You might want to make that decision sooner than later is all I’m saying.

Jeff Ritter
I think some of them are out there, right? You know, I don’t know who can completely erase the trail.

eD! Thomas
There’s a lot of them out there.

Jeff Ritter
Maybe I’ll pass.

So what else you got?

eD! Thomas
That’s it, man. I need a nap. I need about 45 hours of sleep.

Jeff Ritter
Ooh, that sounds good. I was asleep before we recorded if you couldn’t tell by how bad I’ve been at this.

eD! Thomas
I wanted to be asleep for like six hours.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah?

eD! Thomas
It’s been a day. I’m very sleepy.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, it was the end of the day I was dragging too. So… but I think we’re getting a little too interesting for the folks out there.