In the first episode of Nearly Coherent, eD! and Jeff go on about how they have no idea what they’re doing!

Bonus: Jeff talks about how bad he is at technology and eD! incorrectly remembers information about Star Wars!

Episode Transcript (Robot Edition)

eD! Thomas [0:00]

All right. Welcome to the Nearly Coherent Podcast. I’m eD!.

Jeff Ritter[0:04]

And I am Jeff, also known as eD!’s hype man.

eD! Thomas [0:07]

It’s true. And we’re here to just talk about things and stuff. We planned this for three years, people.

Jeff Ritter[0:15]

Three years where the hard work all culminates right now.

eD! Thomas [0:18]

I don’t know what you mean by hard work because we didn’t really do anything except for register a domain name.

Do you have any topics to talk about?

Jeff Ritter[0:28]


eD! Thomas [0:32]

Me neither. This is going to be real weird.

Jeff Ritter[0:35]


eD! Thomas [0:36]

So last night, I’m sitting here getting all excited about doing this. So I’m signing up for like every social media thing I can think of.

Jeff Ritter[0:43]


eD! Thomas [0:43]

So I got like @NearlyCoherent on Instagram. I got @NearlyCoherent on Snapchat. I got @NearlyCoherent on Twitter. I got @NearlyCoherent on Tumblr. I get to Facebook, some shithead who hasn’t posted since 2013, it’s been just sitting there has @NearlyCoherent. That little son of a bitch.

Jeff Ritter[0:58]

He is a son of a bitch.

eD! Thomas [0:59]

I plan on just friending him, and just like putting pictures of dicks all over his page.

Jeff Ritter[1:04]

It’s funny that you say that because I was actually thinking about this the other day and I happen to be watching “The Office”, and it was the episode where Ryan the temp starts the company, Woof. And I was like, Oh shit, I should see if there’s a Woof, is Woof real? And I started looking for it. It’s not real, but it would have been awesome. women would have been great women. Great. Great. I could have just covered all my bases, right? You really could have you know,

eD! Thomas [1:29]

just started off right now, except for Facebook where everyone’s got everything cuz they’re all assholes. Yeah,

it’s unbelievable. Zuckerberg, man.

Yeah, just start talking to him. Hey, I know you’re busy with a baby and like being a bajillion air but could you kick this one person off for me? That’s true. I mean, Facebook did recommend Xbox to be my friend so

Jeff Ritter[1:48]

did that. I’m sure we’re pretty tight. It’s like Tom on MySpace. Now he’s just desperate for fucking

eD! Thomas [1:54]

somebody like me. After that movie, I just nobody wants to talk to me anymore.

Jeff Ritter[1:59]

literally got no friends on Myspace left. I don’t know.

eD! Thomas [2:04]

Yeah, yeah, he’s got I mean, he’s apparently big on Twitter now, which is weird.

Jeff Ritter[2:09]

That is weird. What the fuck does Tom have to tweet about? Like, you know old war stories from the demise of my space

eD! Thomas [2:18]

getting a handjob behind the dumpster the fuddruckers it’s really great where he works now.

Jeff Ritter[2:24]

We make fun of him. Meanwhile, Tom probably sold my space for like $12 billion. Yeah, yeah.

eD! Thomas [2:30]

Oh, man. That guy has a lot of money. And we don’t. So that’s cool.

He did sell it right.

Yeah, he did. He did to rupert murdoch. 52 bajillion dollars or something

Jeff Ritter[2:41]

like that. So he’s got way more money than us.

eD! Thomas [2:44]

Yeah, yeah. But then again, so to me, at least speaking for myself. So to most homeless people.

Jeff Ritter[2:52]

It’s true. koala bears, especially in the home of Michael that have like a good skill. Yeah, yeah.

eD! Thomas [2:58]

Yeah, I mean, really, either way. It’s good.

Jeff Ritter[3:01]

becoming homeless people choose to be homeless.

eD! Thomas [3:04]

I mean, it depends on where you live really stay out of the rat race.

If I lived in a tropical climate, I’d pretty sure that’s exactly what I would do. Oh, alright, so thanks to a Dave. Dave just let me know that cnn report that MySpace sold for 35 million. I noted there was far less than the 580 million that News Corp paid for MySpace in 2005. So he sold it for 580 million and then Rupert Murdoch’s like 35 million, please. Yeah. That is a rupert murdoch. Rupert Murdoch went on to call the MySpace purchase a quote, huge mistake.

Unknown Speaker 3:46

Thank thanks, Rupert. Yeah, group called idea

eD! Thomas [3:50]

stunningly great businessman.

Jeff Ritter[3:53]

I bought a slightly rickety laundry sorter from Bed, Bath and Beyond for 39 dollars and I regret that purchase. Rupert Murdoch must hate himself for buying my space for half a billion.

eD! Thomas [4:07]

Yeah. That seemed like a good investment at the time guys. Yeah.

Pretty good.

Jeff Ritter[4:15]

I saw I wanted to I wanted to tell us your

eD! Thomas [4:18]

phone going off.

Jeff Ritter[4:20]

That is that my phone guy thinks Oh, wow, I’m professional. Super unprofessional. I will let you apologize to both of our listeners. Even though right now those listeners are the three of us

eD! Thomas [4:32]

sitting Yeah. Sorry mom. Also sorry for all the cursing. That’s all right. So

Jeff Ritter[4:36]

when we when we get real big and real famous and stuff and people want to go back to the archives, they hear this and like, oh God, Jeff was an amateur getting ESPN updates while they’re recording.

eD! Thomas [4:49]

was anything important? Is something happened in sports ball. I need to know if something happened in sports ball. Are we are we good for a quick sports break. I would love to hear quickly coherent Sports Update.

Jeff Ritter[4:59]

Please See, the Rangers at penguins has started.

eD! Thomas [5:05]

Let’s hear

Jeff Ritter[5:06]

for penguins and Rangers

eD! Thomas [5:06]

and penguins. Yeah, sliding around on ice. It’s pretty dope. That’s very nice. Yeah. You

Jeff Ritter[5:11]

see, I honestly part of me was hoping you had no idea.

eD! Thomas [5:16]

I’m not the biggest dumbest. Okay, I’m Thomas. I’m the third biggest on sports. It’s not a dumbass. There’s two guys in comas that are way we’re managing.

Jeff Ritter[5:24]

You’re not interested in sports. It’s true. So for you to not know is not that crazy, to be honest with you. Yeah. You know, like there’s a lot of stuff that I’m not interested like, we talked about horror movies or something like that. I say that because I was talking about them earlier today. I hate horror movies. You know how many horror movies I think I’ve seen. Seven, maybe less. I think in the theaters I think I’ve seen one and that was Boogeyman with the guy with Barry, whatever his name is from seventh heaven. He played the oldest brother on seventh. He that guy. His career really just blew up. He was in the movie. Boogey Man. I went to see that that’s like, Oh, this was six or four.

eD! Thomas [6:04]

But you didn’t see so one two or three

Jeff Ritter[6:07]

I saw one I’m talking about in theaters.

eD! Thomas [6:09]

Okay, cuz I was gonna say I mean I feel like if you walked in on soft for you’d have no idea what is going on like, Whose song What off? Well, I

Jeff Ritter[6:20]

I saw I saw one on like DVD, or whatever it was on

eD! Thomas [6:26]

TBS at two o’clock in the morning.

Jeff Ritter[6:28]

Exactly. You’re very alone. Like they blanked a lot of shit out.

eD! Thomas [6:31]

Yeah. It was a 15 minute movie. It was great. We

Jeff Ritter[6:36]

ended up making a table in the TBS so so I didn’t see I didn’t see three i don’t know if i saw four or five in the theater was one of them. I totally lost track. All right. Not that it matters movie was all they were all stupid. Horror is honestly it’s a stupid genre but a lot like movie nerds. Really? Yeah, I don’t love.

eD! Thomas [7:02]

I don’t know. I mean like, I’m not a huge horror fan. The last I guess quote unquote horror movie I saw was Krampus the super awesome it was legitimately one of the best movies I’ve ever seen in my life. But still,

Jeff Ritter[7:16]

I did these cough drops by the way doing nothing for me.

eD! Thomas [7:20]

They are delicious though. They are

Jeff Ritter[7:23]

crap. It’s I heard was like a comedy though.

eD! Thomas [7:25]

It was a comedy horror combo situation. Yeah. So it was good, though. I mean, you put Adam Scott in anything. I’ll watch it.

Jeff Ritter[7:33]

He said who was in it? Yeah, I actually I love Adam Scott as well. Yeah, he’s awesome. I was uh, I basically I watch for shows. And I watched them like in their entirety. And then I go back and I just watched over again because I don’t like anything. So I watch scrubs I get distracted because a guy who’s walking by the looks exactly like Steven Naismith. Like to that So I watch scrubs Yeah.

eD! Thomas [8:06]

And I love that Zach Braff. I love them.

Jeff Ritter[8:09]

The Office Parks and Rec great show great show. And and I This one is this one is rough to say but its friends.

eD! Thomas [8:20]

Was that was that rough to say? I mean a lot of weird people love friends a lot a lot of a lot of great a perverts love. Yeah, friends, a lot of like that’s 46 year old women. Yeah. I mean, I’m not really wanting to talk because I like the CBS Sunday night lineup which is all bitter divorce a theater is it’s you start with your Madam Secretary.

Unknown Speaker 8:42

Love it. I don’t even know what Yeah,

eD! Thomas [8:44]

it’s a show that is to Leoni is basically the Secretary of State she used to be really good looking. I gotta be honest with you still kindness. I want to say now Okay, and then jump right into good wife and then I go to bed with my 17 cats. It’s pretty sweet. Yeah, yeah, you

Jeff Ritter[9:02]

dying alone really become a spinster?

eD! Thomas [9:07]

It’s pretty great. Yeah. Well back and forth to the library cuz that’s all I’ve got left. I’m weird librarian lady now it’s pretty great. I mean, no disrespect to librarians, except that your job is being done by Google.

Jeff Ritter[9:19]

Sorry. Yeah, that’s Yeah. Honestly, I was gonna stay away from edgy stuff. Marion’s because you never know who our audience is gonna be. That’s true. Can you imagine if he just cut our listenership in half by offending the librarians that were gonna listen to this shit?

eD! Thomas [9:36]

It’s true.

Jeff Ritter[9:37]

They were like, Oh my god, librarian Ihara to. I love scrubs. Wait, what the fuck did you just say about library?

eD! Thomas [9:47]

Yeah, like, Listen, I don’t mean to be political. But I like to take stance on some things. And I think

Jeff Ritter[9:55]

Yeah, no. I agree. One man’s gotta stand over something. The library that’s what this show is all about. The nearly coherent podcast is a library and hate rally brought to you by pine brothers softish throat relief.

eD! Thomas [10:14]

That’s one on the counter of people that haven’t paid us to sponsor us, but we’re going to sponsor them anyway.

Thank you pine brothers. We are absolute Seamus horse for sponsorship dollars. You know right now, episode one we’re whores. Yeah, don’t care. I don’t care, I believe should be the title of this episode. Where horse we are. Yeah. 100 big time. I don’t care what the product is. I would I would hock the product before any amount of money.

That’s Sure. Like if it was just like, here’s a break of dogshit I’d be like yeah, absolutely. This is the best dog shit. money can buy. Absolutely. 100% big fan. You know what I love Jeff, more than anything in this world. That bracket dogshit it’s the best bridge Have dogshit ever made. It’s it makes me feel like my life was empty before. Do you see how good we are at this?

Jeff Ritter[11:06]

Seriously? Send us anything. Send us your shittiest product. We’ll hock it for you. Yeah, no questions. For schmuck. I’ll buy it. We will take an hour podcast and do 58 minutes about your bullshit.

eD! Thomas [11:23]

And it’s only 58 minutes cuz we need two minutes introduce us. Oh,

Jeff Ritter[11:27]

yeah, that’s really that’s really it. That’s it. I don’t even care what I’m talking about. As long as I hear my own voice. Yeah. I don’t even listen to what I’m saying. You guys have heard me talk for a long time. You know, god damn. Well, I don’t do a word. I say not at all. I just want to talk. That’s all I want to do.

eD! Thomas [11:43]

It’s it’s weird that like, because I’m exactly the same way. The fact that you and I can sit in a room and have a conversation. We’re not just talking over each other the entire time.

Jeff Ritter[11:51]

Let me tell you something. Please do

eD! Thomas [11:55]

something to me. We’re sick. Yeah.

Jeff Ritter[11:56]

Please talk. Whatever you do. Just don’t stop talking. We’re sitting in a studio. Yeah, recording this podcast. Yes. It’s you and me and our producer Dave. And nobody has heard this and maybe nobody will ever hear this yet to me. You put this microphone in front of my face. And I feel like I’m on fucking Howard one on one. Like, I’m feel like I don’t even care. I am reaching the masses with what I have to say.

eD! Thomas [12:23]

Yeah, it’s really awesome how you just turn into an instant professional the minute like, you walked in here, he when we started talking, weren’t recording anything. And he was doing that move your head to the microphone to make sure the microphone is picking it up. It’s very true. He is talking about doing things in post.

Jeff Ritter[12:39]

I don’t even know what fucking post is. I don’t even know what a podcast is. What post is, but it sounds professional. It does. It does.

eD! Thomas [12:49]

I believe the phrase that you use before also is you can CGI this podcast.

Jeff Ritter[12:54]

Can you CGI a good bypass over this one? Yeah, yeah.

eD! Thomas [12:58]

Yeah. Which The answer is Fortunately for everyone who’s listening is No, you cannot. Is it because this is audio only? No, because we couldn’t find a good podcast to put over that. I get it. Yeah, without without getting really I get a lot of trouble.

Jeff Ritter[13:13]

I do I have faith in us.

eD! Thomas [13:15]

I do too. I Dave doesn’t. He has no faith in us whatsoever. He thinks that we’re just giant sacks of human garbage.

Jeff Ritter[13:23]

Yeah, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have faith. I mean, we are giants.

eD! Thomas [13:27]

I mean, like, I’d be the first person to admit that.

Jeff Ritter[13:29]

Let me tell you something. I distinctly remember a series where episode one sucked. Yeah, and so did Episode Two.

eD! Thomas [13:38]

Yeah. But they also didn’t. We didn’t start it. Episode Four doesn’t matter. Yeah, cuz you’re talking about Star Wars, right? Absolutely.

Jeff Ritter[13:44]

Everybody stumbles. That’s true. Even the professionals stumble. Even Dave stumbles

eD! Thomas [13:51]

every once in a while.

Jeff Ritter[13:52]

It’s not how many times you fall down. How many times you get back up.

eD! Thomas [13:57]

It’s true. They said that in Batman Begins. So you know what It’s true. It’s true. Michael Caine said it and he’s never lied. Never.

Jeff Ritter[14:04]

Not once. So for those times that a lot, right, yeah, they’re never, you know what’s crazy, like

eD! Thomas [14:11]

pajamas wearing fezzes that

Yeah, that’s it. I really shouldn’t ask such an open ended question, right? Yeah, it was rhetorical more because I had something to say after. But it’s crazy that, you know, our fellow radio personalities go out there, and they can do a show for like four hours a day, five days a week, you know? Right. But there is something you have to remember about radio professionals that, you know, I’ve learned from reading things and listening to things. They prepare them of doing that.

That’s they put in an effort. We’re trying, we’re trying I mean, we’re trying to get around. This is more effort that I’ve put in anything in maybe a decade.

That is it’s actually true, like I care more about this succeed. than I do any relationship I’ve ever been in, or ever will be in. I’ve been married for seven years and I can say the same exact thing. And I can say that because there is no way My wife is gonna listen to this podcast. My wife hates the sound of my voice.

That’s that’s a good reason to marry somebody. I’ve got to hear them talk to like die.

Jeff Ritter[15:22]

Well, fortunately, I don’t really talk that much at home. Like I just don’t have a whole lot to say plus, my wife and my three kids talk

eD! Thomas [15:30]

non three kids. Did I say congratulations? I only knew about two of them. Why wasn’t invited to the third one’s like, you know, birthday parties on

Jeff Ritter[15:40]

plus my wife and my two kids. Talk non stop. So it’s very hard to like, get a word in edgewise when I’m at home.

eD! Thomas [15:50]

That’s true. I mean, how old are your kids? I have a six year old son.

He’s actually gonna be seven in April. And a three year old daughter, the one who loves the loves bacon. Yeah, bacon, add a girl. Although if I say the bacon does that mean I’m referring to Kevin. I don’t know. But you know what I’d like to say. Kevin Bacon can sponsor this podcast. Matter of fact, so can bacon Smith’s farms? Oscar Meyer, I don’t care who you are. Let us know. And actually that’s a product I wouldn’t mind talking about. No, I fucking love bacon. There’s

literally nobody on this planet that loves bacon, more than more than a

match. It’s very

like honestly, if it wasn’t if bacon didn’t exist, I might actually consider becoming a vegetarian. I

just kidding. I feel like garbage. I feel like a failure as a father because my son doesn’t like bacon.

I mean, but he likes superheroes

loves them. So that’s okay. He prefers Marvel to DC.

You know, that’s sort of why but I have a very long strange history with DC. It feels more like a relationship that ended poorly. Which probably says a lot more about me than I really want to

let the world know. That’s all That’s deep. We’re getting deep into the Phantom Menace episode. Go here and yeah, we should hold back a little bit. I gotta save some of that gold for Episode Two and have something to fuckin talk about. Yeah, we’re Yoda is gonna come in and shit be weird. We’re gonna have to create a Jar Jar banks.

I believe this entire episode is our charge our big quick

Jeff Ritter[17:20]

wrangling. That’s true. I’m gonna tell you something, folks. We are not just shaking the cobwebs out. This is literally what every podcast is going to be. If you find this funny, you’re going to love the podcast. Yeah, you know, I tell you what, I can bet you I can get my mom to subscribe. Mom, let me tell you something, Mom. Don’t get discouraged by how bad this is the first time around. I promise you it will get better.

eD! Thomas [17:47]

Speaking of things that will get better. Star Wars gets better from episode one. I promise guys saying this after episode sevens already been out but we want to

Jeff Ritter[17:56]

give out any spoilers here.

eD! Thomas [17:58]

Yeah. But by the way The

Jeff Ritter[18:00]

movies that came out 40 years ago. They get really fucking good.

eD! Thomas [18:05]

Yeah. And this podcast brought to you by Star Wars Episode Seven The Force Awakens. And also Star Wars episode eight for it’s just really wants to take a nap again. And in Star Wars episode nine Yoda is hungry is Yoda is Yoda dead yeah yo yo has been dead since Empire spoiler alert.

Yes, thanks no problem no problem

I think it was Empire I did not see you lose my nerd credit if I was wrong on that one. I haven’t seen the original trilogy in like a year.

Jeff Ritter[18:38]

I feel like Star Wars not a nerd thing though.

eD! Thomas [18:42]

I feel like what was is a is an everybody thing. Right? But now we live in a world where nerd things are everybody things? Yeah, like like my people have permeated the culture for good or ill. That’s true. So you know, it’s funny you joke around about not knowing what to talk about. And I was driving home today frantically because I was running late. And all I was thinking of was like things to talk about, you know? And like

Jeff Ritter[19:11]

part of me kept thinking about I don’t know if either of you guys are Family Guy fans, but there’s a an episode where Brian, the dog does a radio show and it starts off as like, like this real like high. You know, this real like high society literary show,

eD! Thomas [19:33]

a real NPR situation

Jeff Ritter[19:34]

got another show on the station is called weenie in the pot. And all it is is like fart noises and all, you know, just crazy stuff. So they turn that show Stewie ends up invading and they turn the show into Dingo in the baby, and they do the same type of thing. And all I could think about was how, you know, I would be okay if this took that, you know, direction and We ended up just, you know, make your fart sounds. I mean,

eD! Thomas [20:03]

if anybody was expecting, like, if anybody was expecting for me some more higher discourse than just a whole bunch of dick jokes. Oh, yeah, they made a serious mistake. unsubscribe now

asked us. Yeah, just click just click that on iTunes. Yeah works unsubscribe. I think so yeah.

Jeff Ritter[20:21]

Because as you know, I do not know how to find

eD! Thomas [20:22]

this you. When we started talking about this three years ago, you’re like, cool. I’m totally in. Yeah. So what is a podcast? And how do you listen to one?

Jeff Ritter[20:31]

How did I become? So like, old and out of touch with everything?

eD! Thomas [20:37]

Well, you got married? Yep. You had two children. Also True story. One of whom apparently loves bacon loves it. My little girl loves bacon. Other kids not so big on bacon, but I’ll forgive you for it because he likes Captain America right? Yeah, he Well, he loves superheroes. All right. So that that makes up for that. But the minute that you got all those things together and you bought a house sold the house and bought another house. I did. Did you have a lot more of your shit together? Then? Me or our producer?


I mean isn’t saying much that’s not a high bar to clear but that’s when he became an old man.

Jeff Ritter[21:16]

Yeah, that’s true. And I did I got old real quick. It’s unbelievable. Yeah. chat rooms were a huge part of my life.

eD! Thomas [21:23]

Are they? Yeah, big fan. Love them, but weird shit. Yeah, pedophiles did love chat rooms is why I’m questioning what Jeff was doing

Jeff Ritter[21:32]

there. Well, I mean, I would have been, I would have been one of the targets.

eD! Thomas [21:36]

Ah, so you were catfishing pedophiles? No, I was

Jeff Ritter[21:41]

what I did I actually brought that idea to Chris Matthews. He fucking ran away with it. I back in the day and I’m talking about back in the day like when you would get like, you know, deep into an ASL check with some, you know, with some girl was probably not Yeah, it was it was another day. You’d be like, you’d be a girl today. You’d be pushing, you know, to try to get a little cyber going on. Yeah. And your mom would pick up the phone to call your aunt and fucking disconnect your modem. You know?

eD! Thomas [22:14]

Yeah, you notice thinking about the other day. Speaking to the six came out at some point there’s going to be a president that doesn’t know the struggle of trying to download porn, like one pixel at a time. Oh my god, like where you could only get like a JPEG. And it was just like, you had to wait 17 minutes to just get to the top of the nipple. I feel like

Jeff Ritter[22:33]

we’ll be dead.

eD! Thomas [22:35]

I hope I honestly I hope I am. I really did. I

Jeff Ritter[22:38]

had that’s the day that I become too old to live. There was a there was a zip file out there like a good you know, old porn file called 95 celebs. And and it had 95 pictures of different celebs.

eD! Thomas [22:58]

I thought it was celebrities from 99 Five no no no no. is a real specific fetish you got Yeah, yeah, it’s just the cast of Beverly Hills 90210 is one of those ones that got passed

Jeff Ritter[23:09]

around in the in the chat rooms you’d go in and you got that 9595 celebs took three days and it was all like phony ass pictures like I’m never the one I will never forget was the mom from Tool Time. Oh yeah. I go to Tool Time that’s a show with a shell omen for me was the name of the show. Mom from Tool Time is I’m running with it. She was there. What’s her name? Patricia something. Trisha Richardson something that could

eD! Thomas [23:44]

be a gonna need you to check that out. If so.

Jeff Ritter[23:49]

She was in there and just a blatantly fake picture. You know, yeah, absolutely atrocious. But the other one that was in there, which was like You know, like the Grail back then was who you are right? That is Patricia Richardson, Patricia Richardson. Yeah. I love you. I love the tools. I’m growing up so much that I can’t remember the real name of the fucking show. Yeah. All right. Well, yep. So Patricia Richardson was in there, but then the holy grail for guys our age at that age. Yeah. Oh my god. Dave, shut up. Dave said Kelly capacity, which is actually a really good one. But let me lay this one on you tell me what you think. Danielle Fishel?

eD! Thomas [24:36]

Oh, yeah, there’s never been a real one of those Ranga Hmm. But how much did you search for that? It was it was essentially the Holy Grail.

Jeff Ritter[24:45]

Yeah. And back then there was like 12 websites so I literally went to the end of the internet.

eD! Thomas [24:50]

Yeah. Oh, excuse she’s a producer’s phone.

Jeff Ritter[24:55]

Sorry day ESPN updates,

eD! Thomas [24:59]

but what is the Be an update. What do you got? Hang on, let me see. Well, Jeff Jeff, you’ll probably get the same ESPN updates in June. I got one. up

Jeff Ritter[25:08]

late on may hang on. Here we go here in sports break. A goal scored by Kevin Hayes assisted by Tanner glass and Keith yandel Rangers lead the penguins. One zero with 1040 remaining in the first would help would help. If this was a live show, does fucking nothing, because nobody will know that this existed until long after this game. That’s

eD! Thomas [25:30]

true. And I just gotta let you know. NBA video. Cavaliers Kevin Love injures love shoulder versus Lakers hurt same shoulders in playoffs

Jeff Ritter[25:40]

last season. I’m gonna say big surprise that Kevin Love got hurt.

eD! Thomas [25:43]

I’m hearing a conspiracy right now.

Jeff Ritter[25:46]

Also just loves faking injuries.

eD! Thomas [25:50]

Yeah, probably I mean, and that’s also brought to you by the NBA which also brings you up I hit the wrong button. There we go.

Jeff Ritter[26:00]

Shut up, dude. NBA on TNT. No, no, it

doesn’t matter.

eD! Thomas [26:06]

Yeah, you know this is good on TNT. Yeah, yeah. Rizzoli and Isles on TNT.

Jeff Ritter[26:12]

Yeah, that’s drama. That is drama. Yeah. What is uh, one of the other ones usa

eD! Thomas [26:17]

usa is a characters welcome. Is it really? Yeah, yeah, yeah what’s Bravo, bravo. Oh God, I haven’t watch Bravo forever. I think it’s just like we show reruns or something like that. Hang on. We’ll need we’ll need a confirmation on what Bravo’s

Jeff Ritter[26:34]

god awful reality shows Welcome to Bravo. I I’m not a huge TV fan.

eD! Thomas [26:48]

I like some shows. I like shows that are generally not shows you pick for somebody like if you saw me on the show, you’d be like, that’s not a guy who genuinely loves Rizzoli and Isles. Yeah, but I do. I genuinely love it. And I’m not Saying that as a sponsorship, oh wait now it is I feel Oh, bravo TVs website is Bravo The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills yeah

Jeff Ritter[27:12]

that’s all it says actually my my buddy Chris likes the real housewives shows. I think he watches jersey. They down outside of my office they talk about it. They talk about these like real housewives shows. And I like this is you watch this. I’m like you listen to this garbage. The Real Housewives of New Jersey is worse than this.

eD! Thomas [27:39]

Don’t don’t sell us short, Jeff. We could be way worse. We’ll try.

Unknown Speaker 27:43

Yeah, we’re gonna we’re gonna get there. We’re gonna get there. We’re gonna get real bad real quick. Mom, if you’re still listening, we may call

eD! Thomas [27:52]

this episode brought to you by call your mother. She misses you damn it.

Jeff Ritter[27:57]

I call my mother on Verizon. I actually was on. I was on like that online chat with Verizon with a rep from Verizon today. Yeah. Because if you switch over to the Verizon plan, like I have them share everything. Yeah, these ABS share all your shit. So each line access is $40 a month. So the Verizon plan now they come up with very creative names is $20 a month. So I said switch me over to the Verizon plan. I get two extra gigs for the same price and 20 bucks less on each line. They wouldn’t do it.

eD! Thomas [28:41]

Wow, what a bullshit lack of a bargain brought to you by Verizon which is why this podcast is brought to you by T Mobile. T Mobile switch us unlimited data, and you can binge on and as the uncarrier it just had it just beat Verizon in a national speed test. Or so the CEO of T Mobile said on Twitter.

Jeff Ritter[29:06]

They actually went to speed test dotnet from like three phones across the country and tested it out. But that’s the good thing about speed test. dotnet is you can test the suite on your computer from anywhere in the world. Remember, folks, that’s speed test. dotnet I wonder

eD! Thomas [29:24]

if we’re overdoing this bid. Yo, we should ask anybody Comedy Central that plays at midnight, where Chris Hardwick says points every three and a half seconds. I wonder if like, Oh, I’m sorry. At midnight on Comedy Central after the Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore Yes. Is the Nightly Show that every Wilmore which is right after the Daily Show, which is probably after? No no southpark or crank yankers or Yeah, it’s crank Edgar still thing. It hasn’t been

Unknown Speaker 29:57


Unknown Speaker 29:58

which is topical stuff.

Jeff Ritter[30:01]

On the nearly coherent podcast, folks, crank yankers New START April 3 you know that Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore I’ve never seen it, but I can’t imagine that it is awful. It’s actually pretty good. It can’t be it

eD! Thomas [30:20]

is it’s I actually enjoy it.

Jeff Ritter[30:24]

I hear the promos for it all the time.

eD! Thomas [30:26]

And don’t get me wrong Larry Wilmore his voice makes me want to bludgeon myself with a sledgehammer sounds

Jeff Ritter[30:32]

about right.

eD! Thomas [30:33]

But he’s a very funny dude.

Jeff Ritter[30:38]

Yeah, I hear the you know, I listen to Comedy Central radio on Sirius. I’m sorry. And also Sirius, Sirius XM radio, and they do the promotions. And you have this one promotion where it keeps talking. He keeps talking. It’s the same promotion they played 500 times. We’re talking about Donald Trump, Sue and ice In polar bears to combat global warming, I’m like, dude, that’s what you put in your trailer. Like, that’s what you put that I mean of all

eD! Thomas [31:08]

of all the things to mock Donald Trump over and there is a lot I mean, he’s a ton. He’s, you know what I thought it was thinking about this earlier. Donald Trump is like the Captain Planet, but it’s of all shitty people. It’s like, yeah, racism, Islamophobia, xenophobia, lack of hearts. Your parents combined. I’m a giant bag of human excrement with a really shitty bed of hair on top of my head. That’s not. That’s not air that’s just controlling him. I am convinced because Donald, Donald Trump is a crazy son of a bitch. I’m convinced that it’s his hair. He’s like, he’s like crank the hair. That’s what hair is the controlling thing and the rest is just a robot body.

Jeff Ritter[31:55]

A decaying orange gross robot body filled with hate. Do you watch The new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I do not. So I watch it again. I have a six almost seven year old

eD! Thomas [32:07]

dude. I watch Adventure Time and I’m a 32 year old who doesn’t have any children so no shame is but that’s it’s a show that usually stoners watch. Oh, we will do a lot of stoner stuff. Yeah, but I for a guy who doesn’t do stoners. Like I’m on the phone. Yeah. Well not not at all. I eat a lot of pizza and I watched a lot of cartoons. That’s pretty dope. You know?

Jeff Ritter[32:28]

That actually is very true. That is dope. Yeah. My mom knows I’m getting stoned with my mom before. That’s weird. Yeah, she’s a big stone.

eD! Thomas [32:37]

Yeah, you’re on. Definitely looks like she’s like Jay from Janesville. Bob. Yeah,

Jeff Ritter[32:42]

yeah, that’s basically what she does. Yeah,

eD! Thomas [32:44]

cuz you You’re the Silent Bob in that situation with the beard except in.

Jeff Ritter[32:48]

Oh, you know what? No, you know, now that I think about it, she really is because she’s definitely like very talkative and super annoying. Which I feel Jays character as well.

eD! Thomas [33:01]

Yeah, yeah, but it’s gearing so it’s okay. Yeah, that’s true. Yeah. I don’t want to alienate you know, Kevin Smith and smodcast which we could, you know, be bought by someday. I don’t know.

Jeff Ritter[33:14]

I’m not alienating Kevin Smith. I’m not saying that any of his movies were not good. I’m saying that his character is supposed to be the one that talks and says, Yeah, and is annoying. Sure. It’s the real play off. Yeah. Jay and Silent Bob. I feel like we should have done that here. Except it probably wouldn’t work so well, on a podcast Silent

eD! Thomas [33:32]

Bob doesn’t exactly play well on radio.

Jeff Ritter[33:36]

Not a great character.

eD! Thomas [33:37]

Yeah. I mean, like, if you ask Dave, I’m sure Dave would also say that that’s not a great idea.

Jeff Ritter[33:42]

No, I don’t think and Dave’s our industry professional. It’s true.

eD! Thomas [33:46]

Our PR guy he’s a real real stalwart gentleman in the ways of radio and broadcasting and yet he would say, No, you can’t have a silent member of your group.

Jeff Ritter[33:57]

No, it’s not on the radio.

eD! Thomas [33:58]

Definitely not. wouldn’t make sense. Yeah, not at all. How would you even pull that off?

Jeff Ritter[34:02]

Plus Silent Bob does talk at the end of the one of the movies.

eD! Thomas [34:05]

And in the middle of Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back in the middle. Yep. Was exact he says something to the effect of the way that it got the car with a monkey. He’s like it’s going to Hollywood. I was pointing at the sign. You’re stupid. You’re right. Yeah, I like that movie. That was a good movie.

Jeff Ritter[34:25]

Yeah, I think I’m not like a huge, I’m not a huge movie fan. I get made fun of all the time for it because there’s a ton of like classics that I had never

eD! Thomas [34:36]

seen. I mean, like you’ve seen the real close, like, do you wanna man?

Jeff Ritter[34:39]

One of my favorites in orbit? No, never seen. We’ve never seen Norbit. I’ve heard Norbert was so bad.

eD! Thomas [34:45]

It’s, it’s legitimately horrible, but it’s a great cultural reference point. I love being one of my favorite jokes that I ever put on Twitter was that today could only get weirder if it’s horrendous. No, I’m sorry if a velociraptor on rollerskates came in and started professing his Faith about his lord and savior Norbit. That is just that makes me happy. That does. Yeah, cuz that’s a shady movie. That’s Eddie Murphy. Right. That is Eddie Murphy. That’s one of the last Eddie Murphy. That was like right after the adventures of Pluto Nash. Also another shooting movie. And I think a haunted mansion was in there too, is like his drink is Eddie Murphy is like swing and miss period, which has been going on since 1998. After the golden child. Yeah.

Jeff Ritter[35:32]

Something like that. Well, I get my chops busted all the time for it. I have a friend that does a like a movie based podcast

eD! Thomas [35:40]

probably sounds more professional than ours. Wait, well, no, it doesn’t sound more professional, but it’s got a topic so it’s,

Jeff Ritter[35:46]

it doesn’t sound more professional except that they actually have something to talk about. Right? Um, they go they it’s a long one too. I want to say it’s like two and a half hours, three hours. Wow. And you know, I busted his I busted his chops all the time. About Doing this podcast and being like a movie dork and all this stuff, and then realize that, you know what, if it was a topic that I was interested in, I would jump on it in a second. Like if we were talking about Morris, chestnut movies,

eD! Thomas [36:14]

you know,

Jeff Ritter[36:16]

anything like that I would absolutely be into it.

eD! Thomas [36:19]

Welcome to the Morris Chestnut

Jeff Ritter[36:20]

podcast top 10 Morris Chestnut movies,

eD! Thomas [36:24]

and it’s like a four hour debate on which ones are the top 10

Jeff Ritter[36:27]

there’s no way there’s no way that you’d be able to dwindle it down to 10. Really? Yeah. And you know what, I don’t even know how many movies he’s been it might be 11 they’re probably all gold. Sit there all day just trying to argue about the order of Morris chestnuts movies.

eD! Thomas [36:44]

I’d do that.

Jeff Ritter[36:46]

I got lots of free time like that. It’s pretty good. Episode to Morris chestnuts, top 10 movies.

eD! Thomas [36:53]

See now we’ve got a topic If only we had thought of this before and

Jeff Ritter[36:56]

now greats only had three years jam

eD! Thomas [37:01]

Really plan ahead. Good work Oh, that’s Dave giving us a thumbs up with a finger I couldn’t see which one it was. Oh, it was a middle finger. Yep. Yep, he’s got a very stubby middle finger that’s where his thumb should be.

Jeff Ritter[37:15]

It wouldn’t be weird if somebody all their fingers look like thumbs. Yeah, very odd. Yeah jbP because you blew all the thumbs off. What blew all those fingers off? He’s a defensive

eD! Thomas [37:30]

Oh the sports thing sports. Yeah, that’s why I don’t understand what

Jeff Ritter[37:33]

the hell you probably back off a sports things. That’s not really our key demographic

eD! Thomas [37:38]

or thing that I can join in on sports

Jeff Ritter[37:42]

or sports. The sports in general it doesn’t even matter what

eD! Thomas [37:48]

Yeah. Hey, all you people with your Oh, that guy’s hand. Oh my goodness. Alright, so if you guys are Google, I believe JP pees hand. Prepare to throw up that is nasty. It’s a pretty gnarly and why do we have that on two monitors in here? That’s horrifying.

Jeff Ritter[38:13]

Get a real good look. Because I don’t play with fireworks folks.

eD! Thomas [38:18]

Oh good. Put the MSN Messenger logo in front of one of them too. Oh, don’t do that. Oh yeah, that one away. There was bone in that

Jeff Ritter[38:26]

one that was nasty. That one wasn’t real. That was as real as the Patricia Richardson from the 95 celebs, porno zip that I downloaded when I was 14 on a 48 eight modem.

eD! Thomas [38:41]

I want to take it six months. Oh, I swear.

Jeff Ritter[38:44]

You should be using those modems, you know. And when we got our first computer was a packard bell.

eD! Thomas [38:51]

Nice. We bought it

Jeff Ritter[38:52]

at computer city, which was like behind the Roosevelt field moment. Yeah, it was fitnesses Yeah. I remember buying it was all so excited. My dad hooked it up you know didn’t even have a fucking modem like had to buy an external yeah I think it was the first one was like a 48 eight or whatever speed it was and didn’t have a separate phone lines. So we were connected to the same line that the house phone was on. Yeah, yes, I remember that you had to go through all the crazy noises and finally connect to AOL. Because there was no like ISP that Yeah.

eD! Thomas [39:30]

What are you gonna use prodigy or compuserve? like an idiot? What was it

Jeff Ritter[39:34]

Netscape? Netscape? nobody uses Netscape. Dave actually still uses Netscape. That’s

eD! Thomas [39:40]

actually you know who uses Netscape? That’s the browser that AOL was built on, as far as I recall.

Jeff Ritter[39:46]

Who it’s pretty gross. Who uses AOL though?

eD! Thomas [39:49]

My mom. My mom uses AOL that pisses me off to know and budget librarians use librarians

Jeff Ritter[40:00]

Sweet sweet sound a dial up just good. We used to go through and do all of that you would connect to the you would connect to the internet or to AOL. Yeah. And he got like five minutes deep. finally find yourself like a team chat right on that home menu. Yep, get up into team chat. This is all on the up and ops. I was 14 years old or whatever I was.