eD Thomas
Welcome to the Nearly Coherent Podcast. I’m eD! and sitting over there looking as sexy as Mike Bloomberg’s chances of being the presidential nominee for the Democrats look bleak, is my buddy Jeff.

Jeff, how are you, you much taller than Mike Bloomberg son of a bitch you?

Jeff Ritter
Am I taller than him?

eD Thomas
I guess? I don’t know. He’s always looked really short.

Jeff Ritter
He does look short. You’re right.

eD Thomas
I’ll tell you this much: he’s shorter than me. But I’m also taller than you.

Jeff Ritter
I was just going to say you are a tall guy.

eD Thomas
I think I’m the tallest person on this podcast.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, I’ll give it to you.

eD Thomas
Not like this episode. I mean, like ever.

Jeff Ritter
To ever be on it? Yeah, I think so. I’m thinking back to like guests and stuff like that.

eD Thomas
I’m taller than Science.

Jeff Ritter
You’re taller than Science. You’re taller than Dave. You’re taller than Val, taller than Dominique.

eD Thomas
Yeah. So I win. All of you are tiny people.

Jeff Ritter
Considering that you basically control who comes on this podcast and I know you’re not gonna let anybody taller than you come on.

eD Thomas
True. That’s actually very accurate because I’m a psychopath like that. It’s good. It’s a good time.

You love it. Don’t act like you don’t.

Jeff Ritter
Listen, that’s fine. I don’t want anybody taller than me. Can we make that rule that they can’t be taller than me either? That’s a little more difficult.

eD Thomas
That is much more difficult.

Jeff Ritter
I am average-ish height at absolute best.

eD Thomas
I don’t know how I’m going to pull that off, but I’ll see what I can do. I make no promises. I know we have at least one person lined up to be on here who is much shorter than you, so that’s fine.

Jeff Ritter
There you go. All right. I’m okay with it. And everybody else has been shorter than me.

eD Thomas
Yeah, see? I’m already fulfilling your dreams.

So how are you, buddy? How are things?

Jeff Ritter
I am… I’m good. I guess you know? I’m here. I’m living.

eD Thomas
Quick question for you: do you have COVID-19 or the coronavirus yet?

Jeff Ritter
No, I don’t!

eD Thomas
Of course you don’t!

I’m making a promise to the people right now: My promise is that this podcast is the only podcast that you can listen to that you know will not go down because of the coronavirus. Jeff works from home. I work from home and never leave my house. One of us will always be here.

And nobody’s going to touch Dave’s face. So worst comes to worst, we can just leave it with him, I guess?

Jeff Ritter
Oh my god. I think I’d rather the coronavirus.

eD Thomas
Yeah, right?

Jeff Ritter
But it’s true. We’re not getting it. That is a Nearly Coherent guarantee.

eD Thomas
Cut to three weeks later: we’re both dead.

Jeff Ritter
Then I don’t care. Then my word means nothing. I don’t give a shit. I’m not here, doesn’t matter to me.

eD Thomas
Accurate.

Jeff Ritter
You know, it’s interesting you bring this up, because I am more and more… so like we’re in an election year, something that always turns my world upside down, there is another mysterious breakout of some sort of fucking pandemic that’s not true. So that turns my world upside down. It’s like, it’s all over the place.

eD Thomas
Hang on, can we go back to the pandemic that’s not true? Are you saying you don’t believe in coronavirus, or you’re not recognizing it as a pandemic yet because nobody said it’s a pandemic yet?

Jeff Ritter
I believe that it exists.

eD Thomas
That’s good!

Jeff Ritter
I believe that it actually exists. Yes, absolutely. I do not believe that it is or will ever be a pandemic. Listen, I just read in the news today that something 93-year-old guy. I don’t remember what country he was in, I think in China, but some 93-year-old guy just survived that. How bad can it be?

eD Thomas
Listen, it’s going to end up being you, me, and Betty White. That’s going to be the survivors of this outbreak. And it’s fine.

Jeff Ritter
My opinion is you need to be much more concerned with the flu than you do with coronavirus.

eD Thomas
I mean sure, but it’s way more fun to talk about the scary thing that’s happening now. I mean, like, you know, the flu? We’ve got a thing for that. You can still touch your face with the flu if you want.

Jeff Ritter
You can touch your face with coronavirus too.

eD Thomas
No, no, they keep on telling me that I’m going to have to wear a cone, like a spade dog.

Jeff Ritter
Oh my God.

eD Thomas
I can’t touch it.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, that would be great. I would love for you to have to do that, by the way.

eD Thomas
All I do now is just sit here and just like touch, touch, touch, touch, touch, touch, touch, touch.

I can’t stop. I can’t stop doing it.

Jeff Ritter
And especially when they tell you not to, it makes it even worse.

eD Thomas
Exactly!

If they had told me, “Listen, the only way to stop this is to touch your face constantly,” I’d be fine. But because they told me don’t touch your face, I was like, I can’t stop.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, you are subconsciously contrarian. You just can’t control yourself. You’re just doing it.

eD Thomas
I’ll tell you what’s grossing me out is the people on the internet who are talking about how infrequently they’ve washed their hands previously, they’ll be like, “I didn’t know I supposed to wash my hands after taking a shit,” like what?

Jeff Ritter
Oh my god.

eD Thomas
Yes! You are! Please, for all of our sakes!

Jeff Ritter
You’re putting your hand into your butt crack to take shit out of it with some paper as the only barrier. You don’t think that your hand is dirty after that? There’s something seriously wrong with you.

eD Thomas
Absolutely.

Jeff Ritter
Seriously wrong with you.

eD Thomas
Uncomfortably wrong with you.

Jeff Ritter
Here’s a question for you: when you go to use the bathroom, you wash your hands before and after? Or just after?

eD Thomas
Just after, I like to run the risk of getting a little weirdness, like I want something else to be somewhere near my junk. God knows it’s not going to be you know anything enjoyable. So it might as well just be the common cold.

Jeff Ritter
Okay… you wouldn’t want to actually accidentally like touch on the rub some funky stuff on your hog down there.

That’s not what anybody wants.

eD Thomas
I think you need to reconsider how many things I’m touching in a day. It’s generally my keyboard, which I keep clean, I wipe it down, my iPad, and like, that’s it.

Jeff Ritter
That’s fair. Everything that you’re kind of touching. You’re right when you’re home; it’s all your own germs. You’re not rubbing anything on there. That’s, you know, any foreign substances.

eD Thomas
Much to my chagrin!

Jeff Ritter
But if I’m out, like if I’m out in the world, and I end up going to the bathroom, I wash my hands before, too.

eD Thomas
It depends on the bathroom because sometimes I’m worried that the bathroom sink is even worse than whatever I’ve touched beforehand.

Jeff Ritter
That’s also true. And can I tell you what I do in that case?

eD Thomas
Just shit your pants?

Jeff Ritter
In that case, I pull my pants all the way down like a toddler and pee and pull them all the way back up without ever touching anything, and I get the fuck out of there. Just so everybody knows, that’s what happens.

eD Thomas
Thank you for that image.

Jeff Ritter
You go to a gas station where there’s that two-inch thick layer of wet rust on the sink? And I’m like, “Nah, I don’t want to touch that shit.”

So back to the coronavirus, because this is just the latest thing that when I scroll down my Facebook wall or whatever the fuck it’s called nowadays? “Feed,” I guess?

When I scroll down that, and all I see is one post talking about how bad the coronavirus is, the next post talking about how it is not a big deal. And then the next post talking about how the media is blowing it out of proportion, and it’s just one thing after another and I kind of find that this is just what life has become. And it doesn’t matter what somebody posts, somebody else is gonna post the exact opposite about everything you name it. Bernie Sanders, Donald Trump, coronavirus, the earth being flat…

eD Thomas
Of those things that you just listed, one of them is dumber than the other.

Jeff Ritter
You know what, though? It depends on who you ask.

eD Thomas
It does not.

Jeff Ritter
Everyone’s going to pick a different one of those to be dumber.

eD Thomas
No, no, no, no, look, look, look. I have a very distinct list in my head of which is the dumbest and saying if the earth is flat is, scientifically speaking, the dumbest shit you’ve ever said.

Not you, but people in general.

Jeff Ritter
Yes, well, you know that I don’t think that the earth is flat. That is fucking preposterous in my mind. But how about that guy mad Mike, whatever his name was… Did you read about that last week?

eD Thomas
No.

Jeff Ritter
The guy in the homemade rocket?

eD Thomas
No, what?

Jeff Ritter
So…

eD Thomas
I feel like we need a Dave to do a Dave’s News Corner, but that’s fine.

Jeff Ritter
I do wish that he was here for this.

But there was a gentleman, a flat earther if you will…

eD Thomas
And I will.

Jeff Ritter
…that built his own… I believe it’s a steam-powered rocket. But built his own homemade rocket in order to go up, I don’t remember how many thousand feet it was. But he wanted to go up without a few thousand feet, high enough to be able to prove that the earth is flat.

He died. That rocket, seconds into the flight, the trip went south, and he tried to eject a shoot, and it didn’t, then the other shoot didn’t. And the rocket ended up just slamming to the earth and killing this guy.

Now, I know that that sounds like a little bit of a callous way to deliver the news of the death of somebody. And I’m not glad that this guy died.

Buuuuttttt…

eD Thomas
I’m glad his ability to post on the internet has been limited severely.

Jeff Ritter
Well yeah, and I’m like in a social Darwinism kind of way, I’m also like, “Well, if somebody was gonna go? Yeah, I guess it had to be this mother.”

eD Thomas
Yeah, the guy who’s like, “I’m going to Tony Stark a rocket to prove science is wrong?” Probably the guy that’s gonna end up toast.

Jeff Ritter
Exactly. I feel bad that a human life was lost. But when you look at it like it was bound to happen? I’m like, eh, that one, I guess, hey, what’re you gonna do? It is what it is.

eD Thomas
Nothing we could do now!

Jeff Ritter
This guy decided to fly in a homemade rocket.

I don’t know how many people are familiar with the old phrase, “it’s not rocket science?” That means that rocket science is hard!

eD Thomas
Wait!

Jeff Ritter
That’s what that means, guys.

eD Thomas
Can you walk me through that a little bit? So you’re saying that when I say that brain surgery isn’t rocket science, I’m saying that rocket science is more difficult than the thing I’m comparing it?

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, that’s usually what they mean.

eD Thomas
Mind blown!

Jeff Ritter
Brain surgery, rocket science, widely considered to be two of the most difficult things. Don’t know if that’s true to be quite honest with you.

eD Thomas
I have no idea.

Jeff Ritter
But I would assume there’s a very few select folks that are brain surgeons, and also folks that are rocket scientists, I would not refer to either profession as “dime a dozen” type folk, so I don’t get what makes somebody think I’m going to build my own rocket and not die in it.

I mean, think about it.

eD Thomas
I made a meatball hero the other day that I’m questioning whether or not I did it right. You think I’m going to build a rocket? Come on.

Jeff Ritter
How about this? I know that the percentage is very small. But you think about how many astronauts have died because of malfunctions with rockets and whatnot. And you like, these guys are the best of the best, working with the smartest minds on earth, with a budget that has to be in the trillions, and even they sometimes die. And you’re going to hop into Oscar the Grouch’s garbage can with a couple fire extinguisher strapped to it, and find out that the earth is flat?

Come on, man, you knew that this was coming. Like, come on. Enough.

eD Thomas
There’s only one way that was gonna go.

Jeff Ritter
“This isn’t rocket science” and “what goes up must come down”? Those would have been enough proof for me to not get in my own homemade rocket.

eD Thomas
And that’s why you’re one of the smartest men alive.

Jeff Ritter
Although for me, you know, the choice would have been easy… I don’t fit on most roller coasters. I’m not getting in a fucking rocket.

But back to this dilemma that I’m having, do you find that? Do you see what I’m seeing?

eD Thomas
Oh, yeah.

Jeff Ritter
And I’m sure folks that only follow people that kind of think the way they do and stuff, maybe they’re not seeing it.

eD Thomas
It’s even on the same side.

Jeff Ritter
It is?

eD Thomas
Absolutely!

Most of my Twitter following is Extreme Liberal Twitter because, you know, hi, I don’t know if you’ve heard me speak for more than five seconds.

But you have the Bernie people yelling at the Warren people. Then you’ve got Bernie people yelling at other people. They’ve got the Warren people just kind of be like, “Just shut up.” And then everyone else being like, “No, you shut up!”

And then Mike Bloomberg come in and be like, “I’ve got money,” and everybody is “Shut up, you jackass!” At least you can all gather around that one and be like, “You sit down, you big idiot!”

God, if he gets the nomination, my eyes are going to bleed. It’s gonna be terrible.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah?

eD Thomas
Oh, god. Bloomberg, I’m talking about specifically.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, that’s what I figured. That dude’s got a lot of money.

You know what I don’t get? What is it inside people that drive them to that? He has what? Almost $64 billion?

eD Thomas
Something like that.

Jeff Ritter
It’s something like that. What else you doing, man?

eD Thomas
You’ve blown a gazillion dollars on ads saying how great you are, do something better. Go get your iPhone diamond-encrusted or something, seems like a better use of your time.

Jeff Ritter
Go buy an island or, I don’t know, do something. What kind of ego where you think that you should run this country?

eD Thomas
Seriously.

Jeff Ritter
I don’t know.

eD Thomas
When we should be running this country.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, right.

eD Thomas
It’d be so much easier. Just elect us!

Jeff Ritter
Like I could use the money, you know?

eD Thomas
Yeah, that’s like, what, 400 grand a year?

Jeff Ritter
Yo, I would take that.

eD Thomas
Easy peasy.

Jeff Ritter
I would, definitely.

eD Thomas
I would do a really good job too.

Jeff Ritter
I’d be an excellent President or Vice President.

eD Thomas
All my politics basically boils down to what would Captain America do? And failing that, what would Superman do? And failing that, what would Spider-Man do? So either I’m going to do the right thing, do the right thing, or try to do the right thing and probably screw it up. That’s basically my three modes.

Jeff Ritter
Now, what would you rather be, President or Vice President?

eD Thomas
See, Vice President sounds like the sweet gig, because you’re just sitting there waiting for the other guy to die.

Jeff Ritter
Which is another thing that, like, this world continually surprises me. Like you think about it: in the history of our country, there have been two Presidents assassinated, and one attempted that I know of. I don’t think I missed anything.

eD Thomas
I think there was four, but I also don’t remember what I had for breakfast two days ago, so…

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, maybe there was.

So Lincoln obviously assassinated everybody knows that.

eD Thomas
What? Spoilers!

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, I know. I know.

eD Thomas
God!

Jeff Ritter
Sorry to all of you who are reading your history books that haven’t gotten to that chapter yet.

But that, to me, not that it doesn’t count. But the President was a different role than it is now. They didn’t have the protection. I mean, this guy just walked up behind him in on a balcony and just blew his brains out. It was no Secret Service, no checking his ID, just didn’t work like that back then.

eD Thomas
Checking his ID!

“Excuse me, sir. Can I see that? Yeah, it’s cool. Go ahead and talk to Big Top Hat over there.”

Jeff Ritter
I see with Kennedy, and if you’ve watched the documentaries, I know that there’s a conspiracy out there. I don’t know who did it. I’m sure there are obviously people out there that do but between them thinking that it was Johnson and that it was the CIA and that it was the mob and that it was this and that…

eD Thomas
Ted Cruz’s father…

Jeff Ritter
…Ted Cruz’s father. There are so many people out there that wanted Kennedy dead. I just don’t think that it’s a surprise.

eD Thomas
You want to know who actually killed Kennedy?

Jeff Ritter
Yeah.

eD Thomas
Time-traveling Regis Philbin.

Jeff Ritter
See? That’s another one, Reeg hated Kennedy!

eD Thomas
He did!

Jeff Ritter
That’s another one. You’re right.

eD Thomas
I’m telling you, Regis Philbin has had his fingers in the pulse of every crazy happenstance that’s occurred in this country since 1778 on. Mark my words.

Jeff Ritter
How awesome would it be if the Illuminati was like real and really controlling the world and Reeg was like the Grand Master of the Illuminati? “Right in front of ya the whole time!”

eD Thomas
All the people that told me my Regis Philbin conspiracy emails in 11th and 12th grade were nonsense? I write them and be like, “I told you!”

There are a lot of those emails, by the way.

Jeff Ritter
I think that’s awesome. I actually hope that that’s true. I didn’t know that about you.

eD Thomas
Oh, yeah.

Jeff Ritter
But I am very glad. And I hope that it is too.

What I was thinking about with the whole thing is, I’ve seen for the last… let me think… 12 years? I’ll even go 20 years and go all the way back to George W. Bush: just pure hate spewed about every one of our last three presidents.

Now, I am certain that it happened to Clinton and to George H.W. Bush. I’m sure that it happened. I just didn’t see it. You know, younger, not really paying attention. I watch Clinton play the saxophone and then heard that he got a blow job, that’s really all I knew about him.

eD Thomas
To this day, it’s all you know about him.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, well, I have learned some since.

eD Thomas
Nah.

Jeff Ritter
But for these other guys, they are so hated? I am amazed that nobody’s ever tried to assassinate any of them.

eD Thomas
Yo, listen, I’m glad nobody has.

Jeff Ritter
No, I know, I don’t want to see it.

eD Thomas
Just in case the FBI is listening to this, I wanted to make that very clear.

Jeff Ritter
I’m just saying, like, there are so many people… I’m surprised. Like with all the crazy shit that happens in this world, I am just surprised that more people don’t try to assassinate Presidents. It just seems like it’s something that would happen, and I know that I really should be off of Facebook because it is…

eD Thomas
I have a Facebook for two reasons: One, I need it for part of my job. If somebody like, “I can’t share something on Facebook,” I need to be able to use their debugger, and two, I can’t quit Instagram, there’s too many dogs I follow.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, I would be lost without Instagram.

eD Thomas
Yeah, like once I get angry at Twitter, that’s where I go, just go look at dogs doing dumb stuff.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, I’m with you on that. It is a retreat. It is a nice refuge for me. So I guess that’s what it is. I think I should just get rid of my newsfeed altogether.

eD Thomas
You really should! The thing that saved me is deleting the app. Now I only go on Facebook once a month to find out if somebody has invited me to a party I don’t want to go to.

Jeff Ritter
All right. Yeah, I gotta look into it. Because this really is driving me crazy.

eD Thomas
That’s why there’s only one person you need to listen to Jeff. That’s Regis Philbin.

Jeff Ritter
I’m going to.

eD Thomas
He’s the only person steering this ship in these crazy times. Thank you, Reeg.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, way to go. Thanks, bud.

So what else you got?

eD Thomas
You kind of ripped my brain apart a little bit there, I wasn’t even sure where to go. I didn’t know how to help you. I feel I feel like I’ve let you down.

Jeff Ritter
Well, I know I had to get it out. I had had to let it out. I am losing it out here. You know what?

eD Thomas
I don’t.

Jeff Ritter
Let me change course here to something a little less soul crushing if you will.

eD Thomas
Please! What other depressing topic would you like to talk about, because anything would be less soul-crushing than the discourse of Facebork’s… Facebork’s? I just call it Facebork’s.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, you said “Facebork’s.”

eD Thomas
Honestly, I’m going to go find out if that’s a registered domain yet, and if it’s not, we’re going to own it by the end of the night.

Jeff Ritter
It feels like the Latvian version of Facebook, maybe?

eD Thomas
“Come to our Facebork! It is a great time!”

Jeff Ritter
“Mother Russia, Facebork Facebork’s you!”

So anyway, we’re both big stand-up comedy fans. Have you watched Pete Davidson’s new special?

eD Thomas
I haven’t yet. I’m a little torn about it because I find the Pete Davidson both wildly irritating and also kind of funny, so I’m not sure how this is going to play with me. Have you watched it?

Jeff Ritter
That’s very accurate. He can be very charming and funny, but he is extremely irritating at the same time.

The part of me that likes him he really will say anything to offend anybody. I like that he’s brave enough to really hurt everyone’s feelings. At the same time, his voice is annoying. Sometimes he just whines about stuff! Anyway, I didn’t know if you saw it. I would love to get your opinion on it.

And I had another question for you, again Netflix-related!

eD Thomas
I’m looking forward to disappointing you again because I’ve been on a Hulu tear.

Jeff Ritter
You know what I’ve been watching, “Brooklyn Nine-Nine.” I’ve been on a Hulu tear also.

So this one I don’t know yet. I’m looking for your recommendation. There’s this show, it’s like everywhere, called “Love is Blind” on Netflix. You heard of it?

eD Thomas
I have heard of it. I haven’t watched it.

I know Duke, our intern, is watching it, so she would have an answer for that. But maybe we should watch it and make sure she shows up next week and talk about it.

Jeff Ritter
Okay, you saying about Hulu, you’re on a tear. What do you got?

eD Thomas
Yeah, I’ve been watching a whole bunch of “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” lately.

Jeff Ritter
Oh, me too!

eD Thomas
Rewatching some highlights for me. And none of which were last season. And this season’s actually been a bit stronger than I think last season.

Jeff Ritter
I liked both seasons. It was I think the season before that I was not as big of a fan of.

eD Thomas
I believe you’re misremembering because you and I have spoken about how season whichever season has TheBox is the best.

Jeff Ritter
Yo, yes.

That was the best season had, and that was the one before they moved to NBC.

Yes. Season Six was the one that I was not as big of a fan.

eD Thomas
It stopped being like, “I have to watch this the day after,” because I’m not gonna watch it live because, like, what am I made of? Time?

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, doesn’t happen.

eD Thomas
No, but like the day after, I was watching that show. And last season? I’ve got a couple of days. Couple of weeks. Catch up on two episodes here and there. This season’s been much better.

Jeff Ritter
So what are some of the episodes you’ve been watching? You’ve been skipping around, huh?

eD Thomas
Yeah, you know, a couple of the first two Halloween heist episodes, not the one where Terry wins because that one sucked, The Box, obviously, I rewatch that one like once a month at minimum.

Jeff Ritter
Which is the one where Jake proposes? Is that the fifth one?

eD Thomas
That is the one before the one where Terry wins. That’s the one in season four I want to say? Because by the end of season five, they’re married.

Jeff Ritter
I’m trying to remember… so Jake wins the first, Holt the second, Santiago the third. I think Gina wins the fourth when she blames it on Terry with “heists are dumb.” The next one is the championship belt, where he proposes, and the next one is Terry’s lieutenant’s test, and it’s not actually on Halloween.

eD Thomas
Yeah, you’re right. I am very wrong.

Jeff Ritter
I had to get it back after that Governor’s/Brokerage thing I did. That bothered me all week. I was actually just over by that tonight.

eD Thomas
What were you doing?

Jeff Ritter
My son had lacrosse. We have lacrosse practice at the school that’s right next to Governor’s.

eD Thomas
I’m just gonna say you’re in a “Step Up 2: The Streets”-style dance fight instead in my head.

Jeff Ritter
I don’t even care if you edit the episode to make it sound like I said that for real.

eD Thomas
Said what?

Jeff Ritter
That I was in a “Step Up 2: The Streets” dance-style battle.

eD Thomas
Well, I’m glad to hear that you finally admitted that you are addicted to dance fighting.

Jeff Ritter
Is there any other fighting?

eD Thomas
There is not. No. Just political on Facebook and dance. That’s it.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah. I know we’ve said it before, I love that show. “The Box” is, I think, the best episode.

Who’s your favorite tandem? Your favorite relationship between two people on that show?

eD Thomas
Diaz and Santiago.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah?

eD Thomas
Yeah. You’d think I’d say Jake and Charles, but we all know Charles is the Dave of that show, so.

I apologize to Charles because he’s obviously much better than Dave.

Jeff Ritter
Oh, yeah. So much better.

And the actor that plays Charles, for those that don’t know, Joe Lo Truglio?

eD Thomas
Phenomenal.

Jeff Ritter
He is a genius. I think everything he’s in he’s absolutely hilarious. And when they had CJ as the captain, who was played by Ken Marino? Ken Marino and Joe Lo Truglio were both on a great sketch comedy show called “The State.”

eD Thomas
Yes, they were.

Jeff Ritter
Like years ago. They’ve worked on a number of movies together. “Wet Hot American Summer,” I think they were both in it.

eD Thomas
Well, yeah, that’s “The State’s” movie.

Jeff Ritter
Right.

Hey, big week for me on Twitter. Got a new follower, by the way.

eD Thomas
Oh, did you? Want to shout him out? Go ahead!

Jeff Ritter
Welcome to the fold, Sandy. Thanks for the follow, bud. Appreciate it.

eD Thomas
Moving on up, Jeff. You can do it!

Jeff Ritter
A 10% increase in followship.

eD Thomas
You are crushing it, buddy.

Jeff Ritter
Actually, I don’t think it’s quite that low.

eD Thomas
It’s it’s not. You’re at 30… I think it was much lower is the problem.

Jeff Ritter
Yes, that’s right. Yeah.

eD Thomas
But still, one! That’s progress, bud. Good for you!

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, I’m getting there. Just one person at a time that you need to beg to follow me. Just one.

I’m just climbing that ladder.

eD Thomas
Well, it was a lot easier with Sandy because he’s Canadian.

Jeff Ritter
He is, he is Canadian. That’s a fact.

If I kept growing at this rate, I would hit 1000… I could hit 1000 followers in roughly 18 years.

eD Thomas
Nice! That’s good.

Jeff Ritter
I think that’ll be… that’s what I’m going for. I’m going to hit 1000 followers by the year 2038.

By the end of 2038, I’m going to be at 1000 followers.

eD Thomas
Hey, if there’s still 1000 people, I’m sure you’ll do it.

Jeff Ritter
That’s what I’m going for. So spread the word, folks.

eD Thomas
Why don’t you drop your Twitter handle real quick?

Jeff Ritter
I don’t even know what it is.

I’m just kidding. It’s @JRisMoney. Follow @NearlyCoherent. And @eDThomas.

eD Thomas
You don’t need to follow me if you don’t want to, but follow me. I need it for the love of God. Please.

Jeff Ritter
Right. You don’t need to follow us. We need you to follow us. That’s how it is.

And I promise you I will shout out everyone that follows me from now on.

eD Thomas
That’s phenomenal. I can’t wait.

Jeff Ritter
So Sandy? Welcome to the family, babe.

eD Thomas
Alright, I think that does it. There’s nowhere we can go… We’ve gone from presidential assassinations to Sandy being a babe. So I’ll talk to you next week, buddy.

Jeff Ritter
See ya.

Oh, by the way, before you write in, I was not being sexist. Sandy is a grown man and a father just like me. So we are allowed to talk to each other like that.

Calm down, everybody!