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Sleepytime Meth

Sleepytime Meth
Nearly Coherent

 
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eD!, Jeff, and Val discuss “Love Is Blind”, Popeye, and new sleep aids!

Sleepytime Meth
Nearly Coherent

 
Play/Pause Episode
00:00 / 00:28:53
Rewind 30 Seconds
1X

eD!, Jeff, and Val discuss “Love Is Blind,” Popeye, and new sleep aids!

Episode Transcript

eD! Thomas
Welcome to the Nearly Coherent Podcast, the 74th most popular Business and Technology podcast on Spotify in Malta! I’m eD! and sitting over there, highlighted in red like the sexy devil he is, is my buddy Jeff, the Olive Oyl to my Popeye.

How are you, buddy?

Jeff Ritter
Dude, I’m doing well. I’m proud to be the co-host of the 74th most popular Business and Technology. Spotify podcast in Malta.

eD! Thomas
Malta, where they famously shot the “Popeye” movie. That’s why you are the Olive Oyl to my Popeye and, speaking of Olive Oyl and Popeye, we also have our own little Swee’Pea, Duke. Here to bring us down from our 74th spot, probably down to 76.

Val
Wow. I’ll just leave then.

eD! Thomas
Don’t you dare!

Jeff Ritter
So speaking of Popeye and Malta, I was a fan of Popeye growing up, were you?

eD! Thomas
I’m a fan of Popeye to this day.

Jeff Ritter
But it’s not really like on anymore. You know what I mean? Like it was very popular when we were younger, then the movie was with Robin Williams…

eD! Thomas
Love it.

Jeff Ritter
Right. All great. You know what’s funny? Did you know that Popeye was based off of like a real dude?

eD! Thomas
No, I presumed it was based off of Robin Williams retroactively.

Jeff Ritter
Very inspired casting in that case.

No, this guy, “Rocky Fiegel,” or something like that?

eD! Thomas
I love it already.

Jeff Ritter
From Illinois because apparently, the creator of Popeye lived in the town that this guy was from, like a legend in this town, Frank Fiegel.

The dude had one eye, no teeth, had the pipe in his mouth. If you look up “real-life Popeye,” I kind of lose respect for the creator because he didn’t really create anything. He just drew this guy as a cartoon.

eD! Thomas
Oh wow.

Yeah, that is Popeye.

That’s like when Bart creates a comic strip about “Angry Dad” based off of the exploits of Homer. That’s what this guy did.

Jeff Ritter
That’s what this is. Yeah.

Do you still watch that?

eD! Thomas
“The Simpsons”? No. I should, but I don’t.

Jeff Ritter
I watched it when I was a kid, maybe even a teenager a little bit. But I think once “South Park” came out, I never looked back.

I don’t watch “South Park” anymore either, but “South Park” really killed “The Simpsons” for me.

eD! Thomas
Straight-up held a pillow up to Homer’s mouth and smothered him.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, it did. Remember they put out an album?

eD! Thomas
They put out several, yes.

Jeff Ritter
They did?

eD! Thomas
I love them.

Jeff Ritter
What was the first album? “The Simpsons Sing the Blues”?

eD! Thomas
Yes.

Jeff Ritter
That was my favorite.

eD! Thomas
“Songs in the Key of Springfield,” that was my jam. That’s the one that has if I’m not mistaken, The Monorail Song, and “We Put the Spring in Springfield” when they’re trying to stop them from burning down the burlesque house. Season four.

Jeff Ritter
How many seasons are there?

eD! Thomas
5000.

Jeff Ritter
There’s a lot of them, right? There’s 30 seasons or more.

eD! Thomas
It’s been going on for some time.

Jeff Ritter
I think the crazy thing is all the stuff that show has predicted. And I know there’s like a little bit of the Nostradamus effect there where, you know, he kind of gets credited for stuff that he generalized and was ultra, ultra vague about and then they make it out as if it was this very boldly accurate prediction, but there’s some pretty odd coincidences between those two.

eD! Thomas
Mr. Burns being basically everybody in government? Pretty good. I forgot the name of Smithers for a minute there, and I just totally wrecked my brain.

Jeff Ritter
Waylon Smithers.

eD! Thomas
Basically the yellow Mike Pence.

Hey Val, how you doing over there, buddy?

Val
I’m just listening to your voices

eD! Thomas
That’s what people do. You get the unedited version, too, lucky you.

Val
And I get to see your faces.

eD! Thomas
Unlucky you.

Val
Highlight of my week.

eD! Thomas
Aw, buddy, thank you. I needed that.

Jeff Ritter
What have you been up to?

Val
Trying to sleep mostly?

Jeff Ritter
Okay.

Val
The past weeks I haven’t been here, I’ve literally been in bed at like eight o’clock, keeping my eyes closed and going, “go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep,” because I just don’t sleep. Been trying, but I gave up.

Jeff Ritter
Have you taken anything like melatonin or anything like that?

Val
I’ve tried almost like every bedtime tea, every relaxing tea. I do the pillow sprays. I’ve taken the baths with lavender. I’ve done CBD oil.

The only thing I really don’t do which everyone is telling me to do is smoke a joint. But I don’t really agree with that because the type of high that I used to get when I used to smoke was I would get very, very paranoid.

eD! Thomas
Famously not helpful for sleeping.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, I kind of the opposite of how you want to feel.

eD! Thomas
Have you tried crystal meth?

Val
Doesn’t that keep you up?

eD! Thomas
Yeah, but then you don’t have to worry about sleeping.

Jeff Ritter
That’s true. It doesn’t help you sleep, but it also eliminates the need for.

eD! Thomas
I’m a visionary. I’m “The Simpsons” of sleepy times.

Val
Well, actually to the same point, which I don’t want to sound stupid but the few times that I do fall asleep been to…

eD! Thomas
Don’t say to this podcast. Don’t say to this podcast.

Val
No!

eD! Thomas
Oh thank god.

Val
“Futurama.”

eD! Thomas
That’s better.

I would have appreciated it if it was this podcast… That would have been more listens, but alright, that’s fine.

Val
Well, I get excited when I hear your voice. I don’t get “Oooh, that’s soothing.” I get like, “Aw, it’s eD!, I love him”, and then I stay awake, and I text you, and you’re like, “stop calling me.”

eD! Thomas
That’s only happened 14 times. God!

Jeff Ritter
“Enough with the meth, I’m trying to sleep.”

Val
Exactly.

But “Futurama” movies? I don’t know what it is, but all of them have put me to sleep, more than anything I’ve ever taken.

Jeff Ritter
Maybe it’s because that show is terrible.

Val
Well, for the movies, the show is good. It’s just the movies.

Jeff Ritter
You know what other show might work for you? “How It’s Made.” Have you ever watched “How It’s Made”?

Val
No.

Jeff Ritter
“How It’s Made” is one of these, you know, it’s like on TLC now or whatever it’s on, but it was like one of these public access… Not public access. I think TLC put rebroadcast them, but whatever it’s made for, it’s all like factory tours.

You remember Mr. Rogers when they would do the segment and take you through the factory?

eD! Thomas
Hell yeah.

Jeff Ritter
It would show you how stuff was made? Well, that’s what “How It’s Made” does, same type of thing.

So they’ll say like, “How It’s Made: Soap,” and it’ll go through a soap factory and the ingredients and the process and the machines. But you have a little bit of the white noise from machines going, you have a typically soothing narrator voice, and this constant background elevator music that is completely uninteresting.

It’s a real good fall asleep show.

eD! Thomas
Wait a minute — something completely disinteresting that the noise goes right through your head? That’s good for sleep?

Just called Dave!

Jeff Ritter
Problem is every time I hear Dave talk, I get furiously angry, which is not good to fall asleep to.

eD! Thomas
True, same problem with the paranoia. I get it. Yeah.

Well, I hope that the sleepytime meth helps you, buddy.

Val
Well, it’s funny that you call it meth. I been trying this supplement. It’s from a company called “Bucked Up.”

Jeff Ritter
Sounds like a company that sells like frozen deer urine to hunters, by the way.

Val
Exactly.

eD! Thomas
Are you drinking, like, a frozen deer urine Slurpee?

Val
No, they’re supplements.

eD! Thomas
Oh, so you’re just taking powdered deer urine, got it.

Val
Yes.

eD! Thomas
Oh, gross. That’s disgusting. Awesome. I don’t want to talk about that anymore, ew.

Hey, Jeff. You know what I did this weekend?

Jeff Ritter
What did you do?

eD! Thomas
Watched the Pete Davidson special on Netflix.

Val
Oh!

Jeff Ritter
You watched it.

eD! Thomas
I did.

Jeff Ritter
What did you think?

eD! Thomas
I gotta be honest. I like him 1,000% more now.

I found it very well done. I found him not as annoying. I found the fact that he could jump into a voice that wasn’t his usual “I’m an idiot” voice pretty impressive. I didn’t think he had that kind of range.

Jeff Ritter
I wish he did it more, though. He did too much of that weird stoner drone that he has.

eD! Thomas
Which is just his voice.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, whatever. But it was good.

I like him better in interviews when he’s just talking. Like he did an interview with Charlamagne Tha God… he’s much more engaging because he’s still funny, but he doesn’t do the jokes. Like he doesn’t do the character “Pete Davidson” as much, which I like.

I like the fact that he’s willing to say anything. Typically, when I find when somebody is willing to say anything, it’s more of the type of person that would also have like a Confederate flag tattooed on their shoulder. You know what I mean?

eD! Thomas
Yeah.

Jeff Ritter
He’s willing to say anything. You don’t really want to hear them say anything. Whereas I agree with a lot of things that Pete thinks and says, I just don’t like him. I just don’t like the way he says it.

eD! Thomas
I thought it was good, and it has made me decide to give him another shot as a human being, so I believe he’ll feel very good about that.

Jeff Ritter
Okay, that’s fair.

eD! Thomas
When he listens to this.

Jeff Ritter
I’m a big fan of his outlook, and the way he has, I guess, come back from the break up with Ariana Grande, and he’s very open about the fact that he should never have been there.

eD! Thomas
Honestly, when he was like basically saying like, “Yeah, I don’t know,” that that made me feel a lot better about him because no. That was wrong.

Also, I did enjoy his “my dick’s not that big, you just have tiny hands” bit. That’s true.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, I thought that was funny. He is funny.

eD! Thomas
Yes, he is.

Jeff Ritter
A half-hour special of him, I think I would have been happier with, but he is pretty good. It was okay. I should say. It’s my okay-ist review that I can give.

How about this, ready for a transition? Because I had something I wanted to talk about.

eD! Thomas
Give it to me.

Jeff Ritter
Speaking of things that are on Netflix, y’all watch “Love is Blind?” Have you watched that show?

Val
Yes.

eD! Thomas
No.

Jeff Ritter
You didn’t watch it yet?

eD! Thomas
No, I just wanted to see what Val’s reaction would be when we show up to talk about something that she likes, and we didn’t watch it.

Jeff Ritter
I didn’t watch it yet, either.

eD! Thomas
Take that, “Avengers” hater!

Jeff Ritter
I was just luring her in.

Val
Well, I guess you guys will be happy because I don’t know if you guys are really just joking with me or not, I’m only like a few episodes in so…

Jeff Ritter
You haven’t watched all of it yet?

Val
Not all of it.

Jeff Ritter
Listen, prepare to have everything spoiled.

Val
I just finished the episode where they all meet each other’s parents. So that’s where I’m at.

Jeff Ritter
Okay.

eD! Thomas
Now I will openly admit that I have only watched the first half of the first episode. And that is because, at that point, I went, “I cannot deal with these people, I hope they all die alone” and turned it off.

Jeff Ritter
Word?

eD! Thomas
I hated that show. I’m predisposed to not like dating shows anyway because I find everyone on them just to be irritating as hell.

Jeff Ritter
And this is no different. But there’s something about this show that I really… I had to watch.

It’s funny, and as you’re saying, I don’t know if I even enjoyed watching this show, but I did watch the whole thing willingly. I did want to know what happened like I wanted to see it through. I did want to know what happened with these folks. This is definitely one where I wish I knew how much of it was scripted.

eD! Thomas
Sell me on it, go on a rant! Go on a tear! Convince me to watch this trash.

Val
My thing is, and I don’t know if this is the same for you guys, but obviously, I’m more basic than you two.

eD! Thomas
True.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, agreed.

Val
I love good trash TV, like “Honey Boo Boo” did not do it for me because it’s just all trash. But like if it’s something where, okay, I’m kind of invested in this character, even though I know they’re a terrible person, I need to know what happened.

And especially like I kind of get Jessica-ish when I drink, so watching her made me a better person because I don’t want to be like that. Not the evil version of that, you know what I mean? I get kind of like, you know, like those mannerisms with her hand in front of her face when she drinks and like the hair in front of her face.

eD! Thomas
We’ve recorded podcasts with you before, we know.

Jeff Ritter
We’ve seen it, we know how you get.

Listen, I will make selling points for the whole show. But since Val brought up Jessica, it’s worth the price of admission to see the worst person ever unfold.

She’s the worst. It’s crazy what a piece of garbage she is.

eD! Thomas
Oh, she’s that one. Yeah, okay.

Jeff Ritter
The worst.

eD! Thomas
I haven’t even gotten to a point where I hate her yet.

Val
Really? That happened like right away for me.

Jeff Ritter
I think he’ll hate her by the end of the first episode.

Val
Yeah, okay. Yeah, you’re right.

eD! Thomas
Listen, I don’t care, spoil away!

She’s got a golden retriever.

Oh, she’s feeding that golden retriever wine. I hope she dies.

Val
You know who I really, really, really hated, but I’m told that he redeemed himself? The bald guy. He wears the fancy suits. He acts like he’s too good for everybody.

Jeff Ritter
I didn’t think that Carlton and acted like he was too good for everybody. I actually never hated Carlton.

Val
It’s all dramatic. And he’s like, “She’s not gonna understand.” Okay, well, then give her a chance to.

Jeff Ritter
So you made it to the part where the people that go through the first round end up in Mexico?

Val
Yeah, I’ve done up to when I came back.

Jeff Ritter
So, by the way, for the folks that don’t know what this show is, it’s a show on Netflix called “Love is Blind.” There are 10 women and 10 men or something like that, and they live in this house. And the only way that the women can meet the men is in these things they call “The Pods.” It’s just a little room with a sofa and whatnot in it.

Val
And a bar!

Jeff Ritter
Like a little mini bar, and you sit in this room, and you talk to a glass looking frosted window wall, that a member of the opposite sex is on the other side, and you have these conversations. The whole purpose, surprise, surprise, is to determine whether or not love is blind.

This is an absolute trash fest.

Val
Oh yeah.

Jeff Ritter
The hosts? Terrible.

The contestants? Shitty.

The whole premise, whole setup? Just god awful.

But it really does become the definition of a train wreck, you can’t look away.

Val
The hosts are Nicolas and Vanessa Lachey.

Jeff Ritter
Terrible.

Val
She introduced herself first, saying, “Hi, I’m Vanessa Lachey,” whatever. And Nick goes, “And I, obviously, Nick Lachey.”

eD! Thomas
I think he also says something like, “I’m obviously Nicholas Lachey, her husband,” I was like, “I didn’t even know that you stopped being married to Jessica Simpson, buddy.”

Jeff Ritter
That’s the thing. I’m like a 98 Degrees or whatever, what band was he in?

Val
98 Degrees, but his brother was on it, too, and he was way hotter.

Jeff Ritter
98 Degrees was a long time ago, baby boy, you’re Jessica Simpson’s ex-husband to everybody.

eD! Thomas
Ain’t nobody walking around here being like, “I know 98 Degrees’s songs off the top my head.”

Val
I can’t even name one.

Jeff Ritter
Here’s my big problem with “Love is Blind.”

eD! Thomas
Go ahead.

Jeff Ritter
Nobody was ugly. It’s not all like drop-dead gorgeous, beautiful people on there. But I would say most of them were, at the absolute worst, average looking people.

Val
My favorite is the rapping scientist. He has a special place in my heart.

Jeff Ritter
Oh, let me tell you something: there’s a scientist on there. This guy Cameron, who my wife is fully convinced that he wears suits made of other people’s skin, for sure.

So he’s a very corny white dude. Ends up pairing off with and getting engaged to a black woman. Goes to meet the family. Her name’s Lauren, and her parents are divorced. So he met her mom first, then her dad after. And the way they cut it and edited it, they tried, they really might try to build it up as if it was going to be some sort of like big racial thing. It was almost the complete opposite of.

But the part that absolutely killed me when he met the mother — I don’t know what they were talking about, I guess what his comfort level around black people would be and have you ever been in a room full of black people? So he starts talking.

Somehow they get on the subject of him being in a hip-hop group, and he proceeds to rap, to freestyle rap, to his fiance, and her mother. And it was like watching your grandparents have sex. It was so uncomfortable. It was terrible, absolutely terrible. This happened to just about everybody.

You remember being like a preteen, you’re watching a movie with your parents, and some sort of sex scene comes on? You’re watching the movie in the living room, and all of a sudden, now this is a girl taking off her clothes, or there’s something and the feeling that comes over you, where you’re like, I gotta get the fuck outta here. I don’t know what I have to do, have a heart attack, or go to the bathroom. I got to get out of here. That’s what it felt like watching this. I couldn’t believe it. It was so painful.

eD! Thomas
That’s horrifying. If it’s watching boobies with your mother kind of bad, I might have to give this another shot.

Jeff Ritter
That’s what it is. I think you should power through this show. You know what you’re getting into, but it does not disappoint.

I will also tell you this: that rapping thing, while the most cringeworthy, is not the only thing that made you like really be like, “yeesh, like this thing is rough.” One of the couples that proposed to each other. I watched it, and I was like, “This is the absolute corniest thing I’ve ever seen, ever.”

Val
Are you talking about Giannina?

Jeff Ritter
Yes.

Val
Yep.

Jeff Ritter
So corny. I’m telling you, eD!, you will enjoy it.

I promise you will enjoy some of it.

You will enjoy the experience in the end.

eD! Thomas
I love the diminishing returns on your review. “eD!, you’ll love it! You will like some of it. Some of it will not irritate…”

Jeff Ritter
I know.

eD! Thomas
“You definitely probably won’t want to eat a bullet by the end, but don’t quote me on that.”

Jeff Ritter
I’m trying to pinpoint how I really do think you’ll feel about it, and I’m swaying kind of back and forth. But it really is reality TV garbage at its best. There’s a reason why it is as popular as it’s gotten.

Val
It takes those like MTV dating shows like “The X Factor”… not “The X Factor.” Sorry. That show called “Next,” when they were on like a bus…

Jeff Ritter
Another fantastic trash bag dumpster fire of a show.

Val
Exactly! It takes it to that next level.

They’re allowed to be naked on this, they’re allowed to curse because it’s a Netflix show, and it’s like 40 minutes each episode, it’s like, “Yes, give me more trash MTV dating show.”

Jeff Ritter
Was anybody naked? I didn’t see any nakedness on it.

Val
At one point, I did see a woman’s butt. Like a real, actual butt.

eD! Thomas
That’s nothing.

Val
Nudity in my book!

eD! Thomas
Doesn’t count. If you can legally walk around with a thong with your ass hanging out? That’s not nudity anymore.

Val
No, it wasn’t a thong, like it was actual butt, that’s what I mean.

eD! Thomas
Right, but I’m saying a thong is… it’s anal floss. It’s barely hiding anything. It’s basically hiding the small of your back and not your ass. No.

Jeff Ritter
Interesting definition. I can’t say I disagree with that either.

But my problem is they’re all like varying degrees of attractive, but I wouldn’t say any of them were below… I wouldn’t say any of the ones that made it.

Like when they showed you the whole group of people, there’s a couple in there that you like, “Eh, they’re not gonna get my screen time,” and they did not. All of the people that got screen time ended up being somewhat attractive.

There’s a part after you propose, the following day you meet for the first time, and it’s like this long corridor, and there’s rooms at either end with frosted doors that pop open. All I kept thinking was, “I would have loved to go on this show.” And I’m sure I do just fine in the room… like that girl, Amber would have been into me… and then the door would have opened, and she would have been like, “Yeah, gotta go.”

Every dude there had a 10 pack. Even the fucking scientists was like, six foot four, with like, you know, jacked arms, and that shit doesn’t count!

eD! Thomas
What we got to do is clone Dave and put them on there and see what happens.

Jeff Ritter
That’s not fair. Nobody deserves that.

What we should do is have Dave do that, and have all of the women be violent criminals. They’ve got no prospects.

eD! Thomas
And even they’d be like, “Pass.”

Val
“Take me to the chair.”

Jeff Ritter
I want to show that’s called “Dave Gets Dumped,” and we just keep bringing in like worse and worse and worse people just to see how low it will go before somebody doesn’t dump Dave.

eD! Thomas
That’s not saying a lot for Lisa, though. I mean, she’s got Stockholm Syndrome. We all know that. That’s fine.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, I still don’t know. Maybe she’s a violent criminal?

eD! Thomas
Yeah, she could be a violent criminal.

Jeff Ritter
I haven’t talked to him in a while. Maybe something’s wrong.

eD! Thomas
No, I spoke to him like two days ago.

Jeff Ritter
You spoke to him, or you texted with him?

eD! Thomas
I texted with him.

Jeff Ritter
If you texted with him, you didn’t hear his voice. Anybody could type shit into his phone. Especially if she’s cut his face off and is wearing it as a mask, it’ll unlock his phone.

eD! Thomas
Why would she do that to herself?

Jeff Ritter
I don’t know.

eD! Thomas
“Aw, man, I want to look like this!”

Jeff Ritter
You know why? Because you never feel better than when you realize that you don’t look like Dave!

I have a question. It’s been in the back of my head for this whole time, and I’ve been thinking about whether or not I should ask it because I can’t figure out a way to ask it and not sound like a complete buffoon, so I’m gonna go for it: Is there any other way to dry yourself off when you get out of the shower other than just using a towel?

eD! Thomas
Not that’s efficient, no.

Jeff Ritter
There’s not, right?

eD! Thomas
I mean, there’s the old doggy shake-em-out, but that gets messy, and you have to do it for a while.

Jeff Ritter
And I’m not going to stand there and shake. Nobody needs to know that that’s happening.

eD! Thomas
There’s the hairdryer, you put that on cool.

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, which is slow goes it. If you don’t turn it down enough and you try to blow dry sensitive areas…

eD! Thomas
You’re gonna singe a scrote.

Other than that, I can’t think of any other ways. Val, do you have fast drying shower tips?

Val
No, but as a person who really hates doing laundry and has not done laundry in a bit of a long time, I have been just drying the towels. That way, they just dry, not going through like my whole supply. And this morning, I realized that my towel was still wet from yesterday because I hung it up wrong, and I had to use my robe.

eD! Thomas
Oh wow.

Val
Nothing is more uncomfortable than putting on your robe, thinking that you might be dry, and you’re not.

Jeff Ritter
I agree.

I won’t say nothing though. Have you ever put socks on wet feet?

eD! Thomas
The worst.

Jeff Ritter
That’s not comfortable either. That’s a rough one.

I was thinking about it. And I’m like, you know they have those you know, like the Dyson Airblade and all the different hand dryers. Why don’t they have something like that for a full body?

And then, from that, I was like, you know, all those things do is suck the doodie particles out of the air and blow them all over your fucking hands. I don’t need that on my whole body. I don’t use them. Like if I go to a bathroom and that’s what they have, I don’t even use it. I end up just washing my hands and dry them on my pants because it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it.

They also have those really only in public bathrooms, which are infinitely more disgusting.

eD! Thomas
Also, as a side note, terrible for causing hearing loss on children.

Jeff Ritter
Really?

eD! Thomas
Because they’re lower down. They don’t test the decibels of them when they’re that close. So they do it based on like a normal adult height.

A kid who’s there is way closer, and it’s prolonged exposure, like 110 decibels.

Jeff Ritter
Oh shit, I didn’t know that. Just another reason not to use them.

eD! Thomas
No more doodie hands. Don’t cause hearing loss to your children.

Jeff Ritter
It got me thinking about, like, do you do a drying chamber that has like an intake from fresh air outside? I got like, real deep. I got like real deep into this. I had just gotten out of the shower, actually.

eD! Thomas
Right, I figured that would be the impetus.

Jeff Ritter
By the time I had thought all that through, I was like, “Oh, here we go. All set.” I guess that’s how it works.

eD! Thomas
So were you out of towels or something like, are you just like, “Ugh, having to rub this thing on my back is so much extra effort that I don’t want to do?”

Jeff Ritter
No, I was using the towel, and I was like, “There’s got to be a better way, right?”

eD! Thomas
There does.

Jeff Ritter
I mean there’s got to be a better way.

eD! Thomas
Hey Malta! You’ve been listening to us talking about businesses technology, pitch us your ideas about what new drying methods we can use. What have you given us since Popeye in the 80s?

Probably lots of things, but I’m an ignorant asshole.

Jeff Ritter
I’d really like to know.

eD! Thomas
NearlyCoherent.com/contact. Write in, let us know.

Do it.

Now!

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, we’re gonna sit here and wait till somebody sends something.

I’m just kidding.

eD! Thomas
I’m not.

Jeff Ritter
We’re in it? We’re waiting?

eD! Thomas
Yeah, we’re waiting now.

Jeff Ritter
Okay.

I like that Val can’t quite tell whether we’re joking or not. Very awkward.

eD! Thomas
“Guys, I want to take my sleepytime meth and try to get a snooze. Come on.”

Val
Oh, I already took it.

eD! Thomas
Oh, so you’ve replaced drinking with that for the podcast? That makes sense.

Val
I’m telling you it doesn’t work.

eD! Thomas
Fair enough.

Val
Next time I’m off on a Wednesday, I’m going back to drinking.

Jeff Ritter
I don’t know if you know this, but when you drink alcohol, you can stop at a certain point and not drink all the alcohol until you’re completely obliterated and…

eD! Thomas
Tripping on things and breaking feet.

Jeff Ritter
You don’t need to get there. It’s pretty easy. Like just take the amount of alcohol you used to drink and drink less of it.

eD! Thomas
Or, alternate, drink double that, and see if you come back around.

Val
Yeah, it’s just like a lap.

eD! Thomas
Exactly! We don’t know if they’ve done the science on that, we don’t know better ways of drying ourselves, Malta better come through is all I’m saying.

Jeff Ritter
I will tell you this: on any of the double-blind placebo-controlled experiments that I’ve conducted with myself, that’s never been the case. I have never drank myself around the lap where I came back to normal.

Drank myself to where I woke up in an ATM vestibule? Sure. Bench in a subway station in Brownsville, Brooklyn? Sure. Back around to normal? Not a once.

eD! Thomas
Listen, I believe in Val. I believe that she can do it.

Val
Going for the gold.

eD! Thomas
She should go for the gold! She should be the Usain Bolt of drinking.

Jeff Ritter
You should.

Whereas I am the “try to steal a police bicycle from in front of a police station but be too drunk to ride said police bicycle and just fall and lay on the bike until the police come and take you off of it,” that type of Usain Bolt of drinking.

eD! Thomas
It’s a very different type of Usain Bolt but still a Usain Bolt.

Jeff Ritter
Exactly.

eD! Thomas
I really hope I’m saying his name correctly.

Jeff Ritter
You’re close, it’s either Usain or “U-sain.” I always hear it, I always say it is “U-sain.”

eD! Thomas
All right.

Jeff Ritter
Oh, no, I’m sorry. That’s not true. I think I always say it as Usain Bolt.

eD! Thomas
Well, one of us is right.

Jeff Ritter
That’s true.

eD! Thomas
That’s the important thing.

Jeff Ritter
I wish Val would find out which one of us is right. I’d love to know.

Val
So I’m not used to fact-checking you guys anymore.

eD! Thomas
Come on, buddy. Fact check. Tick Tock.

It’s “U-sain.”

Jeff Ritter
Oh.

eD! Thomas
“U-sain.” All right, well, I’m the asshole. That’s fine.

Jeff Ritter
Whoa, whoa, do it one more time.

Val’s Robot
Usain Bolt.

Jeff Ritter
Okay, well, that guy says it’s Usain Bolt.

Val
Usain Bolt!

eD! Thomas
And there you have it. I sit corrected.

Val
There is a whole YouTube video of how to pronounce…

Val’s Robot
Usain Bolt.

Val
Oh my God.

Val’s Robot
Usain Bolt.

Usain Bolt.

Val
Sorry about that.

Jeff Ritter
That’s it, this is the end, the machines are taking over, this is how it began. Elan Musk warned us.

eD! Thomas
So now that we’re running away from machines, Jeff, do you have anything else before the apocalypse starts?

Jeff Ritter
Yeah, one question: do you think it’s legal to kill a zombie? Like if zombies become a thing? You can kill them, right? That’s not murder.

eD! Thomas
Good question!

I believe it would not be murder because somehow intellectual double jeopardy. If they’re already dead, you can’t kill that which is already dead, ergo…

Jeff Ritter
Right.

eD! Thomas
You’re just putting the dead back is really all you’re doing. You’re cleaning up. I think it’s fine.

Let’s check with our legal expert. Duke, Do you concur?

Val
I do. I do concur.

Jeff Ritter
One more quick one: do you think that bodies that were embalmed can come back as zombies?

eD! Thomas
No.

Jeff Ritter
Okay.

eD! Thomas
They’re missing the juice.

Jeff Ritter
I’m good. Have a good night.

eD! Thomas
Alright, bye Val.

Jeff Ritter
Oof, I must have had a tough day, because I am bludgeoning Dave to death.

Sorry, bud. Miss ya.

eD! Thomas
I want to let you know the apology? Getting cut. The jokes? Staying in.

Jeff Ritter
Alright, well, that’s it is what it is.

Can you leave the “miss ya” in there?